The Life of Nesa

[Nesa (DELETED 7222)]

September, 2012
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Well, I turned seventeen this month. It is the day Gregory died… I should not be so sad, he would not like to know that I was having trouble letting go -- but it is not everyday that you are the reason your boyfriend dies, right?

At least, I blame myself. I have been told I should not -- it was a rainy night and there was a lot of fog, I should have been careful… I know it is my fault -- I accept that. I mean, he is gone.

And I am here.

I should not be here, but I am… I want to know why I am still here. Is it right for me to be here?

I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the crash, the rain pelting the roof, the way the air smelled that night -- so full of ash and smoke… I choked, I could not breathe -- but I was doing better than he was.

He was just laying there. Quiet. Dead. His skin was warm, though. Until help came, I clung to him -- I clung to him and I cried. By the time the flashing lights of the ambulances had made it, I was blue in the face.

Their voices were bizarre sounding -- I was told I was in and out of consciousness. Apparently I was out for days, because when I woke up, mama and Salia were by my bed -- dad was in the hallway on the phone.

I don’t know, I think back on that day and I remember the scar -- or rather, multiple scars. Even though some of them were not physical, they have not gone away. And the ones I caused myself, those are still here as well.

I almost miss the psych-ward. It was safe, at least. I could not hurt myself while I was there. I liked the safeness. I really wish mother had not pulled me out of the ward when they told her I was ‘better’. Because being ‘better’ is not really being okay.

Well, that is all I have to say tonight -- goodbye.

[Nesa (DELETED 7222)]

December, 2012
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Well, it’s Christmas week or something like that. I do not really know, I cannot say I am too happy. New scars, I guess. They are sort of pretty -- I am almost proud of myself this time! Well, as proud as one can be when they do not deserve to live.

I don’t know, maybe I do deserve to live and I just cannot see it? Oh whatever. There really is no point in staying alive when I feel so dead, is there?

They were talking about putting me into another institution. I want them too. I am safer there than out here. I really think it is best. Hopefully they put me in there, I miss my anti-depressants. At least with those I felt good for a while.

It really is not an issue, I guess… Nothing I can do to make them put me in there, is there? Well, I guess I should write down that dream I had -- it is what Doctor Worthington told me to do when I had them. Something about helping me get past it all. It has been a year, I do not think I am getting past it, Sir. Whatever.

….I really do not want to write down my story.
It hurts too much to try and write it down.

Apologies,
Riffi.

[Nesa (DELETED 7222)]

Dear parchment,

I do not understand why everyone talks about being human… Am I strange because I do not remember what it was like? I don’t know -- Jupiter seemed super sad when she remembered what being human was like, so maybe it’s better that I don’t remember!

Hmm. I suppose I was probably a boring human -- I mean, I bet I did not have such a great friend like Uflu when I was a human. I was probably annoying! Well, I think I annoy daddy a bit -- he says not to call him that, but that’s what sire means…

See? Sire: the male parent of an animal, especially a stallion or bull kept for breeding.

I mean, the archaic words put sire as the word for monarch -- but I do not think we are in the times that it was proper to use such a term. And I hardly doubt he is a monarch of any sort! I mean, he’s a patriarch, but that is totally different.

My books say so.

I don’t know. I guess it depends on who you talk too! Pfft. It makes perfect sense to call him daddy. Maybe father. I don’t know. Uflu says father is strict and boring, and daddy is more whimsical -- but Uflu says a lot of things!

Well, I made a bunch of new … the word is hard to spell -- I guess I can refer to them as friends. I mean, I hope they will be friends someday! It would be nice, nice, nice. Like that girl in that story -- Alice and that Cheshire cat! Oh and can’t forget the white rabbit who was always late!

Just imagine if everyone was always late to everything else.

It would be a disaster.

Oodles!

[Nesa (DELETED 7222)]

I met a nice, nice lady! Her name’s called Every! UH. That isn’t right. Oopsies. She’s called Every.
But she said I can call her Eve. And she told me a story about monkies and bunnies and all sorts of animals!

It was great. She’s a good teller! Yep, yep. I really liked her, she was nice and she didn’t stare at me!

And some guy asked ‘bout Uflu. They asked if he was radio.. radioactive! He ain’t radioactive, I said. Then the guy asked if Uflu had a knife in him. So I dumped everything I keep in him out of him.

I keep knives and bullets and my phone and tomes and other things inside him.

I don’t know why that is so weird.