Little Light

[Jersey]

May 28th, 2015

My name is Marilee Evans, but I go by the name Jersey Sinclair. It was the name that I took after I lost my memory sometime back in January of 2014. I have a cat named Mew and a dog named Bear, both of which were given to me by my now ex-boyfriend, Peter Parkman to whom I was in a relationship for a year. My immediate biological family considered of Marlene and Gerard Evans, my parents who died when I was a teenager, and my older brother, Austin, who passed away on May 27th, 2015 after he stepped into traps left by another individual in the city. He held on for five days.

I have Kallista, Kelly, Nakia, Opal and Danton. They’re my family now. I have Clover, a friend of mine that knew me before I met Kallista and Peter. I knew her before I knew Opal, too. While I prefer my hair to be blonde, it’s naturally brown, almost black. I haven’t given enough of a damn to recolor it, as the chemical smell was even unpleasant before all of this, being even more so now. I work at Peppermint. I have green eyes, which are my favorite feature, and a tattoo on my hip that means nothing to me because I don’t recall the meaning to it.

I have two homes, although I’m still avoiding one of them. One belonged to Peter, who said I’m always welcome to be there, but since we split, I can’t convince myself to see him. It was a mutual split, I need to focus on myself, but I’ll always love him. I can feel it, like a missing piece of a puzzle. I do have his friendship, though, and it’s something I’ll always treasure.

I’m against violence, but only towards other people. There are creatures here that aren’t safe for humanity to know of. Fadebeasts, mooncalves, even the zombies, and because Kallista uses things from them in her rituals, I’ll do what I can to help her. I have an acute fear of blood, which has lessened over the year, but large amounts will still cause me to faint. Part of it, I’m guessing, has to do with the accident I had with the bus. Austin would claim that wasn’t something I’d do as a human. I haven’t made quite heads or tails of everything that he’d say.

As a vampire, I just know that it’s a weird habit. Having a ritualist and a mystic that bridged to Necromancer as a sire, however, has helped me cope. I don’t have the need to feed often on my own. I’m a Telepath that has bridged to Allurist.

My memory dates back to a year ago, and I’ve started to dislike that I don’t know who I am, who I was?

I don’t even know any more.

[Jersey]

May 31st, 2015

There isn't much to say when it comes to death, or even just the loss of a relationship. Mourning wasn't something I had thought to experience as a vampire, honestly. I hate that Austin died the night I left Peter. I keep thinking that I'll have one more night being his, one more kiss.

Sometimes I find myself sitting in Kallista's apartment expecting him to text or call me, wondering where I am. Why I wasn't coming home. That's when the loneliness kicks in, the remorse I feel for ending a year with him. I feel guilty when I see him, when I see the dogs.

I know it'll get better in the future, but did I make the right decision? I want to know who I am before settling even further into this life. I want to know who I was. Call it a selfish thought, but sometimes it shouldn't hurt to be selfish.

I miss him and I miss what we had.

I keep hearing that I'll be okay. That I'll be fine, better in the future, but when?

[Jersey]

June 16th, 2015

Did I make the right decision? It's a question that I'm often plagued with as I flip through my old journal or I skim through my cellphone. My thumb often finds itself lingering over his picture, over his number and my heart aches. I know it's dust that hasn't settled. I want to talk to someone about it, but I know those I'm closest to have never really liked Peter. Their feelings for my sadness are sincere, I know they are, but I don't think the words offered would be.

Clover has enough going on, so I wouldn't bother her with it all, nor would I feel right seeking Keara's advice for it. Embarrassment and resentment is often something I feel towards myself. I've been told that I'll get over it, over him, with time. Lucas claims it a lot and has been quite a bit of help with Bear. Often, he walks him while I cannot and but Mew isn't fond of him in the least. She often hisses and flees, which is an interesting sight on its own as she's been a very passive animal since Peter gave her to me.

I think Kia's at fault for it as she's very fond of the fluffy ball of doom.

Memory wise, nothing has changed since the last time I've written. But, I did find out Austin had some more photo albums. He'd been keeping them in a box in the apartment that I bought not too long ago. One of them had the first day I had my hip tattoo in it, and I matched the date on the back to a journal entry in one when I was a teenager. I once told Peter I'd gotten it because I was always right, or something like that. But, apparently it was in place because for a while, I didn't have a lot of self confidence.

I am beautiful because I said so was the meaning behind it. And that... means a lot to me even as I find myself trying to figure out who I am.

I've never written about the other one that I've gotten post-turning. On the left side of my ribs, in red ink, I had "te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma" written in another script. The quote is from Pablo Neruda... and the more I look at it, the more I'm glad that I had it done.

It's fitting, in a way.

[Jersey]

June 18th, 2015

I've heard falling in love with easy, but I never thought falling out of love would be so difficult. I try to hide it, but this hurts. And distracting myself can only put things away at a certain distance. Maybe I'll see if Clo wants to get away for a while.

[Jersey]

June 22nd, 2015

Work as been nice, peaceful. But, it hasn't helped my mind fall steadily. Every day, the noise bothers me just a little bit more and I find myself humming more and more in crowds. Music has helped some, I occasionally wear headphones and have started reading lips a bit.

I still enjoy making the lotions, it's soothing and keeps me busy. That's been the big thing lately, finding small tasks to keep me entertained. I considered moving into one of the apartments in my name, but haven't gotten further than Kallista's altar after I go looking for things. The other evening, I gave Enver a few boxes of electronics and sent back the money he had wired into my account.

The gesture was nice. I don't know how to tell them that I like collecting things because it's a distraction. Sometimes I wonder when I'm in the Asylum if I'll run into him, but lately I haven't see him. I wonder if he's okay, and I know we're still friends. He hasn't reached out and I think he hates me. We were together one year and I asked to step back because I wanted to know who I am, to be able to give him everything.

I think it's going to be another night where I take a long walk around the city.

My mind is racing.

[Jersey]

June 23rd, 2015

How do you start over without fully starting over?

I don't want to forget anything else.

That's not an option, even if it were a possible one. I've been racking my brain over this a lot lately and I purchased another apartment, planning to sell one of the others. I don't want to mooch off of my sires forever and I've never had my own space. It was fully furnished and has a beautiful layout, so I don't regret it in the least.

I remembered something.

Or well, I remembered that my mom liked lilacs. It was random, but its something. I remembered that she wore this sweet lilac and vanilla perfume after a woman purchased a lotion that smelled like it that I'd been making for sometime. I didn't know why. But, now I do, and I think I'm going to plant some later on this evening.

Kia wants me to start a new hobby.

Maybe gardening will get her off my back.

[Jersey]

June 24th, 2015

I'm going to go away for a little while, I need to think. I don't think Kallista is very happy about it, but she understands. She knows how much he meant to me even if she didn't approve. Austin had a map of where we lived, the directions are in his phone. Maybe I'll make my way there, first. A goodbye to him, and a goodbye to what I once had. I'm nervous, but at the same time, I'm not.

I am not, however, taking another bus.

[Jersey]

August 12th, 2015

It's been a while. I was dead for over a month and as much as this will likely make it sound as if I've lost it, it's a good thing. I remembered things. My parents, what happened to them. I remembered an ex, and why I know how to defend myself to an extent. Austin taught me. I was a nurse. My family called me Mars, or Marls. They're little things, but they're something and they're my memories. They don't feel off, or altered. They're how I remembered them. Peter asked me if I planned to go see friends in Woodstock, Vermont, where I'm from, and I didn't know how to tell him that I'm afraid to leave the city because that's what happened.

That's how he found me.

The Paladin. His name escapes me, but he wasn't like the other one I knew.

Malice was the only thing that I saw in his eyes, hate. He wanted me dead just because I was a vampire.

When I came back, Lucas recognized my voice when I panicked about being naked in Wickbridge, but rather than comment, he led me back to the apartment I purchased in Sanctuary and he brought me home. He listened to me cry after that. I found my tome where I left it, too, and returned to Kallista's apartment when I was calm. I liked being able to see my beautiful, sweet siress again and I felt like I'd been home before even saying anything to her. It's strange to read that, that the place I died felt like home immediately, but it has.

Something's happened, too, I return there every night.

It's weird, but, I don't mind it.

I feel safe there.

Lucas told me that he doesn't know how I do it, he's always awake then and says I don't leave the apartment through the door. For now, I've just written it off as me mumbling the words for the tome under my breath. I do keep it near, maybe I don't have to be holding it.

I'm going to bring Bear and Mew over to see Peter and the kids sometime. I don't know how it'll go. I don't ever stay near him long, I can't, so it'll be different.

I miss us.

[Jersey]

August 19th, 2015

I turned a young man today, his name is Garrett and well, that's pretty much all that I know about him for now. He's a sweetheart and Bear likes him, Mew, of course because of my sister, is reluctant. I don't know what she and Danton did near her, but I'm getting my baby back?

Mew doesn't leave me when I'm asleep, she cuddles and stays there right in my bed even after I pull my disappearing act. Lucas thinks its because she knows I'm not handling certain things well. She's such a sweet cat.

[Jersey]

26th August, 2015

I found a picture of us that I guess Austin had put into my box of things to bring to the apartment. It's difficult to see us smiling, but I can see what I never noticed now. And I miss it. It's weird to think that my brother is gone, I wonder if I can talk to Garrett about how I feel. Lucas has the tendency to tune me out and things aren't the same with others any more.

I regret a lot of things.