-x- When a Ballerina Became an Owl -x- (Ty)

[Karina]

So...this is a new diary. It's going to be a short diary because honestly...I might just burn this as soon as I am finished writing. I'm not going to write to my gun-toting sister, Mercedes anymore (even though it's been awhile) because I have accepted that she's gone, will never be able to help or give advice like she used to, and there is zero hope that she will ever return.

The reason why I feel that I will probably burn this when I am finished writing (though the other option is to just hide it deep away and hope that it's never found) because I am letting out a world of feelings and thoughts that I have purposely concealed away from almost everyone. I am writing them in the form or lessons because essentially that is exactly what they are because there has been so much that I have learned over the last four years (well nearly four years of this vampiric life).

I am damaged goods but I think it's better that others don't know.

My thoughts might also seem scattered and even though you are an inanimate object...I really hope that if you could come to life and read these thoughts...they make sense to you or that you can at least follow along in a way that you could understand why they are scattered the way that they might be. ****!!! I don't even make sense now so I'm sure that you probably can't understand it. Good thing you are just that...an inanimate object because enough people judge me...I don't need my journal/diary to do it as well.

Well...enough procrastinating...I mine as well get started on each of my lesson entries.

[Karina]

Lesson 1: City, Faction, and Masquerade

The day that I was turned, I rejoiced because Kacee had saved me from a life of misery. I became lost after my parents died in that car crash on the way to my Julliard audition that left me in the ICU. I had wished that I had died with them as I felt that my ballet career was over before it even begun. Living on the farm with my strict Russian grandparents who moved with us to New York to support my older sister and I in our ballet passion. My sister went on to live her dream and I was left to rot on a farm. Kacee was my savior.

I had so much to learn but my education in this vampiric life never came from Kacee. Kacee was just a confidant when she was around but it all came from Velveteen. I wasn’t even a few weeks into this life when I was assigned to be on the Enforcer team as the Docere Representative. The Elders had this council with their rules of the Old Code that we were all supposed to follow but many broke those rules and the Enforcers had to step in. The Enforcers was the group the Elder’s used as protection of the Masquerade. This was where I met Velveteen. Being in the Enforcers helped me start to learn what was important but I felt that I was shuffled around to find my place. Kacee kept getting me into groups that would take care of me. As much as I cared for her and her for me…there was just that piece of teaching and protection that was missed.

Kaie-Carden was my next step in my adventure but it didn’t last long. It was another masquerade protection group but it was developed around bounties. We hunted those that had broken the masquerade and the Crow had placed a bounty upon their heads. I wasn’t the best fighter and instead of teaching and training me where I could advance and get better…I was yelled at. I spent all of my time training against the random beasts that wandered this city, threatening to expose us to the human race and yet I wasn’t seeing any improvement. I would try and try to get better but every time a hit came up, I would miss and I knew the yelling would come. I was released from the group because I supported my sister, Mercedes who was also in the group.

A few days after my release from Kaie-Carden came an invitation from Velveteen to join Tytonidae. Tytonidae at the time was made mostly up of those in Docere that shared the same views on the masquerade as well as being a bounty hunting group, making the third bounty hunting group in Harper Rock behind Hellhounds and Kaie-Carden. There were members that weren’t family but it was mostly Docere. Not long after I joined, Tytonidae became the first official faction in the city to be listed and we are the only surviving bounty hunting group that upholds the masquerade to the fullest. To be a part of a large and successful pro-masquerade group…you have to keep setting the bar for those that try to be you or take you down. As much **** as we get for being Tytonidae, people still look to us to take care of any and all issues in the city. I have learned that we are a force to be reckoned with and it’s an amazing feeling.

Each day since I walked into the faction has been an educational experience with love and support. Velveteen has helped me grow and helped me with my training. As the city changed, there was always more to learn and I never had to worry about trying to learn on my own. I always knew the rules as they changed and adapted to them as they came. It’s hard to express how much this city has changed over the last four years from those that would break away from the Elders being considered rogues to that becoming the norm with the Elders seemingly vanishing from sight, leaving us all to grow without their wisdom but this ended up being a good thing. It let us as a younger society to change the rules and evolve.

Tytonidae being the longest lasting faction and the most successful, we were able to take the changes with the city in stride. We were able to set the rules for the city for everyone to have a safer community. These rules helped set new boundaries for the city and those that lived within it. Only with this came new masquerade offenders to test the boundaries, those that would seemingly defy the rules simply because they could. This made it easy to educate not only myself and other members of the faction as the city evolved but to those that would soon get turned. The younger generations to come could learn from us as long as we learned properly to obey the rules, to grow in strength and wisdom, and protect the masquerade.

I have learned to grow and be a better vampire because of Tytonidae. Each member is unique and brings their own views to the faction who is amazing because they are able to give a different perspective or a different method of teaching to those seeking to learn. We all have our roles that we play in the faction and because of this; we are able to work on specific talents, master those talents and teach those that express their interest in learning those talents. If we are able to work together as one and thrive in the specific fields of mastery then anything is possible because student becomes the teacher and then an innovator.

We have been challenged before and yet we still come out on top. We are survivors. Bring on the challenges because this training. Hide from us when you are being hunted. Invade our homes to takes us out. Trap our dwellings. These and many more are just ways to train us to be better hunters and law enforcers. Every moment of our lives are learning possibilities. If it wasn’t for Velveteen and bringing me into the fold, I would never have the proper training to survive this life. I give everything that I have to Velveteen and I am grateful for everything that she has done for me. I am eternally in debt to her.

[Karina]

Lesson 2: Faction is Family

My start in this life was a rocky one. Everyone that I got close to would simply vanish with absolutely no clue as to where they could be found or if they would even be returning. It has been a constant struggle for me. It created insecurities that became deep within my personality. Because of this, I had a hard time trusting anyone let alone get close to people. There were a few people that had snuck in and won my heart but they would soon vanish from my life. Kacee (my sire), Mercedes, Raphael (my first husband), Neville, and a few more just vanished. I laugh now as I look back because I was told by my brother-in-law, Malachai that there was someone out kidnapping vampires. I believed it and then grew to learn how ridiculous the idea really was but it was when the Paladins showed up that I started to believe that maybe he wasn’t that far off.

As I watched everyone around me vanish, there was only one person that stayed…Velveteen. She was not only my aunt in the Docere bloodline but she was my faction leader. She brought me in and showed me what it was like to be part of a team. She would teach me, never yell at me and was completely supportive of everything that I did and chose to do. As people vanished, she embraced me all the more. Velveteen was comforting as she sat with me, listened to my rambling thoughts as I tried to process what happened and provides the comforting shoulder to cry one when it was too much to bear. She let me be a recluse in the beginning so that I could heal. Once I started to accept what was going on around me, it was slowly easier to deal with all of the changes. I began to live for the faction. All my thoughts and actions were for the faction and the members within. It was my goal to protect them and help them out as much as I possibly could whenever it was needed. I perfected my hoarding skills in hopes that I would have items that others needed on hand.

The stronger that each of us grew, the more powerful the faction became. Yes, we all had different personalities and this would clash at various times especially if there was a need to share our opinions. We aren’t always the nicest about our views when we clash with others on a topic but that doesn’t mean that it will break our bonds of family and friendship. It just proves that we aren’t cut from the same cloth to be cookie cutter vampires that just go with what is popular or safe. An example of this is all of the sheep that live within this city. No matter what happens, they all move in a direction that will either save them or kill them. Most of the time they ignore what is best for the city to act out against Tytonidae only because we as a faction do everything that we can to protect the vampire community. People last out at us because we are known for killing offenders and typically it’s repeatedly because they are constantly working against us which only makes matters worse for the vampire community as a whole but I am derailing…the Masquerade is a completely different topic all together.

Tytonidae is more than a faction. We are a family and not because many of the people within are from the same house but because we grow together. Our different personalities and strengths help us grow together, we function as one and if there is ever a time that anyone needs help…there are several that would step up and help. Many times there have been people that thought they had the guts to attack our members when they felt they were vulnerable by being in a raid or even just simply resting from hunting. These people were met with retaliation for their ignorance.

As a family and faction, we know that we aren’t entirely perfect. Mistakes can and have been made especially when it comes to the masquerade but it all it a learning experience. At anytime that any of us get a violation; we work together as a team to teach why the mistake was made and to teach how to not make the same mistake again. We even take care of our own which is more than we can say about anyone else who hide their friends and family from their fates. Each of us know that if we screw up that there is a price to pay and we step forward to admit our mistakes. We aren’t afraid to admit what we have done, never were.

As a group…as a family…we used to do what we could to lower the city alert when all of the humans would look at us like walking vultures. Now it’s harder to get them to look the other way but we still do what we have to do. If death is the only way or if more than one violation has been received then we will kill them. Each of us knows that this is the way it works and we always accept our fate only to help each other when we return from the Shadow Realm. It is what family does for one another and that is exactly what we do. Why? Because without family then we are just cold killers that suffer this dark world alone. We might be strong and we might be killers but to be alone only makes us weak against the masses that fight against us because we have the system down to a science and we hold everyone accountable, even our own, for their actions to protect us from the human race that seek to harm us. I personally think that people fight against us because they know that we are right and they hate it. Maybe its jealousy and I wouldn’t be surprised because we were able to do what they couldn’t. We are a successful bounty group…hell we are a successful faction period because most if not all of the others have failed and disbanded. Whatever the reason, I don’t care because I am on the right side of the fight with people that I love and care for…people that I would gladly lay down my life for, no matter what and that is what truly matters.

[Karina]

Lesson 3: Insecurities

So I have talked about the masquerade, the craziness of this damn city and the faction being a family but one probably doesn’t even consider that there is space for insecurities even when they have an amazing support system. It’s easy to feel insanely lost when you are a part of such a large and amazing group of people. This is what I will talk about in this section because anyone that knows me knows that I have insecurities that lead to feeling lost and jealous.

Everyone in Tytonidae is simply amazing and I can’t express my praises for them enough. I say this because I don’t want to upset anyone or even hurt them if this journal is found. I hope that maybe there would be a better understanding in why I act the way that I do or if it even seems like I am trying too hard to help when it comes to events or even hunts.

When I started in Tytonidae, I was just a fledgling by a few months or so. I sucked at everything that I would attempt to do. I started off with swords and knives because I thought I would be better with close range attacks but I quickly learned that distance was far better for me at the time so I switched my training to guns. Did I get better? A little but I still struggled. All I had was my powers but even those were touch and go. I practiced my powers often on my husband, Raphael before he vanished. He helped me get better as much as he could. If I learned a new power, he let me try until I was successful. It was a learning experience for both of us but it was also a way to get stronger both with using powers and to fight against them.

I accepted that everyone that I loved vanished but those in Tytonidae. Tytonidae only accepts those that are strong willed and want to better our community while protecting them at the same time. Do we get looked at poorly? Yes, but **** them! We are who we are.

As I felt that my world was melting around me, I gave into my securities and many in Tytonidae didn’t really see me for some time because I thought I was worthless to them. I hid in the apartment in Alpha that Kacee gave me before she vanished. I went out and trained each and every day to get stronger but in my mind…the more I broke down, the more I had to work to get stronger. There was obvious improvement in my skills when it came to fighting and rituals when I took them on as my main focus. I would never give up even as the Demi-Fae would leave me beaten and abused. I would keep working on my abilities until I was on the verge of death and push beyond that point.

Have I ever seen the Shadow Realm? Yes but I have never died. I found it by accident when I was trying to open a Shadow Gate and suddenly I was surrounded by murky darkness. It was a different experience but I am almost positive that should I actually die, my experience down there would be completely different.

I know that my thoughts probably don’t seem to make sense but I am just writing as I dig deeper into my mind. I know that there are clear issues that I need to work on but I have this fear of looking weak so it’s hard for me to even seek out the help that I would need to work passed everything that is running through my mind. So instead, I just push it down and let it plague and fester until I burst which sadly a few people had seen. There was a competition and even though I was partnered with friends and family, we were trying to investigate the Lionelli….I burst! I spoke with Doc but he only knows a very small portion. Vel knows a portion but that’s because she has watched me grow and protected me since nearly the start of my turning. Micah knows another portion but most of them all have different pieces. It’s like I’m afraid to just let them in.

Specifically when it comes to Tytonidae…I fight against the insecurities. I know that others are just as capable of doing the same tasks and I completely get that but I do sit and watch, wishing that I would be called on instead of waiting until everyone had depleted that magical spark that lets them use their powers. I feel like I am an afterthought. I know that’s simply not the case, it’s to make sure that everyone gets the chance to help instead of just using them for might when we are ready for attacks. I am fine until I volunteer several times and I am still waiting to help. It’s more because I let my thoughts seep in and cloud my judgment…not that I think that I honestly should be the one to do everything in the faction. It’s almost like I need to learn how to share as if I’m back in kindergarten and I need to let the other kids play with the blocks but I would rather hug them all close and play with them. Probably a really bad analogy but it’s the best that I can come up with at this point.

For some reason, I still feel that my thoughts are erratic and they probably are but I am trying my best to keep this in an organized manner.

The powers and hunts was just a small part though…I realized my insecurities when I was developing a jealous rage to the others (now past members) of Tytonidae that also did rituals. They would be used for any and all rituals even though I was better than them. They would get the new tomes and I would be left waiting for the next year because for some reason I wasn’t trusted to have them or some various reasons. Trust is the only reason that I can come up with as to why I couldn’t have them but I don’t truly know….I don’t want to cause more waves than I might from this if this journal is found and read. It might be petty but it really did send me for a loop because I was trying to be useful for a faction that I dearly loved but for the longest time and even sporadic times even now, I felt /feel that I am just tolerated. I would give anything for these people but I don’t think that they even know it.

The rituals was the worst though because I couldn’t control the jealously. It even got to a point that no matter what, I couldn’t hide it and it caused animosity with the other ritualists but did I care? No, not one bit. I busted my *** to better my skill just so that I could show them up that I was indeed better because that was all that I did. When a new tome would be found, I would try to get it mastered before anyone else. Granted I know that I wasn’t the first but I would do everything that I could to get to be the best without the Demi-Fae escaping and ******* up my world as it fled. Vel knew about the ritual jealously but only when it came to Lia because it was to the point that I would fight with her often that it was causing issues in the faction.

I’m trying to get better because I do just sit back and wait until I am called upon. Is it hard, yes but honestly…it’s because I don’t want to alienate my family and friends while I battle my inner demons. I am not even sure that they could be helped, even if I tell them how I feel at times. I could honestly make things worse and that is honestly what I am trying to prevent by bottling it all up. I love these people and I would never intentionally try to hurt them. I would rather see the Shadow Realm for the first time with death before I intentionally hurt those that I care about. I just don’t know if they know that...

I am now and always will be a loving and protective member of Tytonidae but I am not without flaws and there is always going to be a learning curve as I go within the faction and myself. I need to trust in my faction members…especially since I can’t trust in myself.