In retrospect

[Roderic]

You know, I've never considered myself a reflective individual when it came to others, the things they do, and how it impacts me. Maybe it's because I've never really had a lot of others around me, interfering in the way I do things until recently. Or maybe, it's a sign of progression. Take it however you want to.

Diversity.

I never thought anything grand about the concept behind it. In fact, it pissed me off how the world wants everyone to know that every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there is some special, little unique asshole. Just because your son can belch the alphabet does not make him special. Or just because your daughter can belt out that annoying song by with those two sisters and that snowman doesn't make her a star. Your son is a nasty, manner-less asshole that belongs in one of those special classes in school, and your daughter sounds like some teen that stepped on some bagpipes in the dark when sneaking back in from a hot date.

But, I've come to recognize that diversity isn't something to take lightly. That being diverse in a setting like Tytonidae actually makes the unit; the faction strong. Better. There's not one specific example that is running through my mind at the moment, but a few specifics in general. Take myself, for example. I'm good at finding ****. Credit this to the fact that I like to hunt in various scenarios and spend a lot of time in the wilderness. I am also pretty ******* great with a sword. Short, long, curved, straight. Doesn't matter. I'll take a limb, split open your gut, stab your heart, or rip your skull apart.

Unfortunately, a lot of other people are good at stabbing things. And there are a lot of things I'm not good at. I can't make a sword, even though it is on my to do list. To learn to make them when Skylar and I have the time to sit down and she can teach me a thing or two about it. I'm not good at hacking. I hate it. I hate people can get in to your **** and steal things from you. Which leads me to another point. I suck at stealing ****. I wouldn't like it if some asshole came in my place and took my belongings, so I don't see the need to jack someone of their ****. And the list could go on. I hate talking to people. Because the majority of people are either idiots, or needy. I can't deal with either type of people.

I see the merits now since being in Tytonidae. Of diversity. And how it is something to appreciate. Silently. I don't feel the need to stroke someone off, or plant my lips to their ***, every time they do something wonderful, amazing, etc, etc. Most of them know they are the best at what they do. And no one likes a kiss ***. I'm not a kiss ***.

The first incident where I learned to be appreciative of diversity was when I asked around for a ritualist to help me with a personal request on the home front. Karina Steel came around and helped me with that request a couple times over. Had she not, I would still be stuck listening to a bunch of crap from women in my ear while I try to sleep. Or work. I hate my work being interrupted. Thanks to her skills being what they are, I get to work without a lot of interruptions anymore and can sleep in peace.

I don't know if it was the second instance where diversity came in to play, or just an instance, but definitely worth noting and chalking it up to diversity. I don't think it was the second instance, but just an instance, where people have written something up on the Tytonidae forum looking, or asking for something and someone is almost always able to help them. Get them the things they need, already have the things they need, or asking people if they need the things before they get rid of them. If everyone was like me, this wouldn't be possible. This was seen the most during the Tytonidae auction. We had a lot of things up for 'sale,' and a lot of them went for a pretty penny, which brought us a lot of cash in. If we had the same garbage everyone other guy or girl had in the city, we wouldn't have made much, because everyone has it. We only have the stuff we have, which is unique and rare because of diversity.

I've also seen how diversity works in hunts. Sometimes you just need a person with the ability to sneak in a home and teleport the target out. Other times, we need individuals that can summon others because they are unable to be teleported. We need trackers, those with wraiths or thralls, people who have the ability to zap energy from the target, and the list could go on and on, really. I've learned to appreciate diversity because of Tytonidae. Because when put to work, diversity works well.

Now, between you and me, there are times where I can't stand diversity. With it comes unique thoughts and with those unique thoughts comes individuals who think they are right and fail to see any other option but the one they presented. In these circumstances, I want to shove my sword right up diversity's ***, twist it and give the ***** a little internal bleeding, while screaming 'how do you like my diversity now?'. But thankfully, with Tytonidae, these situations are far and few between. And that's another thing to appreciate. That people can pull their head out of their asses, and recognize that their opinion or thought wasn't the best opinion or thought and come back together and work how they should. Which brings me to the next thing the group has made me recognize as being important.

[Roderic]

Communication.

I hate talking more than I have to. Need to. No, I flat out hate talking. I'll openly admit it. I have always believed actions speak louder than words. Words aren't needed or warranted in every scenario. If you are someone or something I consider myself loyal to, you don't have to thank me. Or go on and on about how appreciative are. It doesn't need to be said, because people innately are appreciative of the help they get from others. And if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't. It's as simple as that. It's just a bunch of white noise; the whole process of appreciation to me. Thanking people and getting sentimental over little things. Tie it in with the fact that I never say the right things, my version of what is and isn't is always slightly skewed to not be the most popular choice and I don't really care about that. It's earned me the title of being an asshole, prick, dick and probably at least a dozen other names not generally associated with positive feelings and thoughts. I don't write this to complain. I'm fine with being labeled these things. Because it's true. I don't go out of my way to be nice to people just because they are part of the bloodline I was sired in to.

I write this because of the fact that for as much as I hate to talk, I have done more talking in the last few months than I have done in a handful of years. Mostly because of my own desire to do so, but mostly because I have to. For my faction. Not have to because it's required. But needed, because of the people in there. No, I don't know all of them. No, we are not all friends, but I do care about their safety and I'm pretty sure they care about mine.

There are the basic forms of communication during hunts. Which are essential. Who is doing what. Who can do what? Where the individual we are hunting is at. If there are traps, cameras, or anything else that might slow us down. All essential. All required to be successful. Without sharing what someone might know, puts us all at risk. Without knowing who is where, could end up getting someone accidentally shot or stabbed. Friendly fire, they call it in times of war, I have read in books from the library.

There are non-verbal forms of communication, found on the Tytonidae Crownet. A place where I write things more frequently than other places. A place I feel comfortable asking questions at, expressing my views (even if they go against the grain), and log in to frequently to observe how others talk and interact effectively on the Crownet. A place I enjoy reading things at, almost as much as I enjoy opening a book, sitting down and reading the wealth of knowledge found within.

Then, there are the more personal forms of communication I have experienced. Mostly verbal and face to face.

A few months ago when I was pretty new to the Tytonidae scene, I was part of a group tasked with going to a cabin in the woods and trying to ascertain a few fae creatures. They're nasty little critters. Attack you for being in their space; which is the woods. I guess I can understand them and relate to them a little bit. But, one person, or a group of whatever can't claim the woods. Not unless you bought it or have property on a section of woods. Anyways, not that I'll ever admit it, but there was an incident. Sort of. With me, personally. And a whole lot of bad could have happened to my team; Jesse, Renee, Reanna and Blake because I didn't remember to tell them. That back then, no matter where I hunkered down for the night, I always ended up in the same place. The place Nix killed me. Where I was accidentally sired by her.

Nothing had happened while I was gone, scrambling to get back to the cabin. Nothing significantly dangerous, anyways. But it could have been worse than me returning to see Blake gone for whatever reason, even if the guy was still alive. And when I returned from the spot I was sired at, I saw it in each of their faces. The concern that a team mate was missing. That anything could have happened to me, and whatever might have happened to me, could have happened to them next. Who might disappear next? The realization on their face of the potential jeopardy they might have been in; were in, because of my failure to communicate.

I'm still not an open book. And I think that's ok. People need their privacy and others appreciate some things that are left unsaid or not shared on the personal front of things. But I know I talk more than I used to. Just a few weeks ago I searched out Velveteen for some help. I asked for her advice and listened to her suggestion. And I communicated. With Skylar about her friend Dillan and how he died. Skylar needs to get a little thicker skin (as most Allurists do, I believe), but I imagine if I hadn't communicated and told her what had happened, and she just somehow managed to find out her friend was dead because of me, I'm sure things would have ended a lot worse than they actually did.

And Skylar seems happier when I talk more. I don't tell her everything, because I don't think she would like some of the things I say, or am thinking, but I give her at least fifty percent of my thoughts and opinions. It's more than I would have given her a year ago. More than I would have given her if I hadn't talked to Velveteen and asked for help on the marriage front. I've seen how communication works effectively in multiple scenarios in Tytonidae and I figure if it works for them, then eventually, even as awkward as it might be, it might work for me too.

[Roderic]

And finally, I don't really think I have a specific title for this section. Not like the other sections. Just a simple truth, that I can't explain. And I don't know how, why, or when it exactly happened. Just that it did and it didn't happen before I had been a member of Tytonidae. Before I became more involved with things outside of Altaire. When I started caring about others outside of Altaire.

Maybe it started the night of my initiation. When I'm sure I almost died. I know I couldn't move much. At all, really. But, I had fun. I've written this before in my other journal. The one that recalls everything and not just specific things about Tytonidae and the good that has come from being part of the faction. I looked like a right idiot and an ***. I couldn't even sing the words to 'I'm a little teapot' right.

But the group took care of me that night and the nights following while I healed. Until I was almost my normal self. They didn't have to. They didn't really know much about me, because at that time, I wasn't nearly as open as I was then, as I am now. But they did.

Or maybe it was the night Velveteen and Micah talked to me. Before I even thought about joining Tytonidae. Before I even knew their name. When the two of them asked me my thoughts on Altaire and Andras merging. At first I was against it. Why ruin, what I believed then, a good thing? Altaire seemed to be doing fine in my eyes. We didn't know Andras. They didn't know us. But after talking with Phoenix and hearing her out, I only wanted whatever made her happy. I still didn't understand the need for the possibility, but if she thought it was best; me being the naive, fledgling, would agree to it and try to play nice. They approached me and asked my personal, individual thoughts. I'm still not sure why, as I don't believe they asked anyone else. And I was honest with them.

Maybe that was the first night. Before Tytonidae, but something that would grow and evolved because of Tytonidae. The night I told them I didn't think Altaire needed to merge with Andras. That I was sure Phoenix could look out for us. That I didn't believe she was incapable of taking care of what needed to be taken care of. The Phoenix I knew, back in my blood thief days, could stand on her own two feet and was a ferocious *****.

Now, before we progress any further, this is not an entry that is sire bashing. I don't need to bash people and find it counter productive. They, meaning people, are capable of making themselves look good and show their best qualities, or making themselves look stupid and show their worst. This is just an account of events that have happened and my personal thoughts on them (many months later), which may, or may not be accurate as I have been known to be incorrect on all fronts on the emotional aspect of things. This is an entry on how I think things evolved and why I feel (yes, occasionally, I do feel. Do not let Skylar know this. She's always trying to make me say how I feel more than I am comfortable with saying). However, again, with this being based on feelings and not any scientific proof, it is nothing more than claims, in actuality.

When Phoenix didn't show up at my wedding reception, I understood why. I know she is busy with Blake and in the bigger picture of things, a wedding reception isn't as big of a priority, as say, killing an Alpha Fadebeast or whatever else it is she does to keep the city safe and the masquerade upheld. She was honest and told me she would try to come, but I already knew she wouldn't be there. I expected it, so I felt nothing when she wasn't around. My personal life is at the bottom of the list of things to care about, which is not a big deal to me when it comes to Phoenix. Yes, she is my sire, but she is not my mother and I had come to understand that when she says try, it more than likely means she won't be there, given all the other Altaire events she didn't show up for, or came late to. I have accepted Phoenix and the things she does or doesn't do and have become unaffected by her presence or lack there of at events.

But, I have to admit, that I did feel something when Velveteen and Micah did not show. It bothered me. Their absence. It took a lot for me to see Velveteen and invite her personally to the event. I am not bashing them either. I have never invited them to an event and didn't know what to expect. I know they have personal lives and faction obligations, so their absence, while noted and stung a little, does not bother me now. Not to the level it had that night.

I did wonder though, why it bothered me more that they didn't show, over Phoenix.

On a deeper reflective level and many nights thinking about this as I worked at my work bench, it's because I realize something. Tytonidae means more to me now, than Altaire does. I used to say, if you were Altaire, you were family and I would do anything for you. That hasn't rang true in months. There are some I wouldn't lift a finger for, but others, I would give anything for. The list is small, but they know who they are.

Those in Tytonidae, however, are a different story. I don't know a lot of them on a personal level, but I know enough about them to know I would do anything for them. Even Blake; as much as I hate that kiss-*** do-gooder. There's Dulce, who is good on her word and repaid me back, back when I was new to the scene. Nishaa, who has never let me down when I ask for help. Doc, who I would give my left nut for. No, not really. I draw the line at that. I heard that phrase on tv the one time I crashed on Ali's couch and was channel surfing. I just wanted to know what would possess someone to say that and how it would sound in my head, but it still sounds retarded. I wouldn't give Doc my left (or right!) nut. Maybe a hand, or leg, my cash in my bank account, or other things he might need if I had, but not any part of my nuts. I don't think Every and I will ever see eye to eye, but I would still help her if, and when needed. Karina, who I still have to repay somehow for those favors she did for me (and will one night). Reanna, who seems uptight, but her heart and mind is in the right place and the others I'm still trying to figure out. I feel closer to these individuals, than almost anyone in Altaire.

I felt-disappointed. I typed the various emotional responses in a search engine and didn't have much luck. I then pulled up a search engine on 'list of basic emotional states,' and clicked on each word until I clicked on the word disappointed. It led me to other feelings within that larger spectrum and I felt most of those things. I don't write these things to reflect negatively on anyone. I write them to better understand myself.

You feel disappointment because you care about something (maybe an event, for example) or someone. I care about most of these people. These people mean a lot to me. And as I end this entry, I know what the title should have been. Family. Because these people are my family.