Eye Of The Storm

[Constance]

December 8, 2014 - Continued

Nathan just came to me.

He had a package in his hand, but he wouldn't give it to me. I swear I smelled blood. He told me that he was going to get rid of it. Before he left, though, I saw the writing on the front.

It was their writing. The person that follows me. They've left me notes here and there, but what could they put in a package? I've never seen Nathan so shook up before. He looked positively ill. I don't know what to make of it.

I still haven't told anyone about the little problem I'm having. Kyrian is busy, Freyja is still too new and I'm not willing to throw them - or my new family - into something I don't know how to handle myself.

I've been thinking, though. Thinking I should leave the city. Not die this time, but go...somewhere. It would hurt to leave them behind, but I'm scared to be here with this unknown lingering over my head. I don't want anything to happen to them, anything at all. It would just kill me if it did.

I really want to know what's in that package, though. I should have gotten up and followed him to find out, but fear has me pinned to the couch. How can I think of my growing feelings for someone when I have this pressing matter at hand?

There's too much going on in my head right now. Too much - and I have no one to talk it out with.
I think I'll have Nathan look for plane tickets.

I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.

[Constance]

I turned someone.
Aubrey.

It was a blur. The entire night.
I thought I was doing good. I thought I was helping her, guiding her, but then she turned around and asked questions to other people like I haven't already helped her.

Maybe it's because of what Velia did. Maybe she tainted me, I don't know. Even after disenthralling, I still feel... off.

I can't think anymore tonight. I need to go to work, then I'll find Aubrey and talk to her.

[Constance]

February 26, 2015.

It feels like it was a dream.

I remember the snow, the cold against my skin. I remember the words spoken, the intensity of them - but it's just a dream. I never knew I could feel this... low. I don't understand what's happening to me. How can someone so easily strip me from all of my pride? He's made me doubt everything I've ever known about myself. Was I ever someone that was worthy of love, or was I a doe-eyed, innocent little victim? My mother used to say that the man a woman chooses to spend her time with speaks volumes of who she is inside. If that's true, am I just a fucked up individual?

God, I can't keep thinking like this. It's making my head hurt, and honestly, it's not who I am. Or... at least... I thought it wasn't. I don't understand what's come over me, and I don't know how to bring myself back to where I was before. I think that girl is gone forever, and it scares me. It scares me, because I don't like who I've become. It's not just my lack of relationship skills, either. It's everything. The lapse in memory, the distant look in Freyja's eyes, the way Jeremiah regards me as if I'm an exotic, caged animal and he's afraid of my next move. It's the feeling inside, as if something is about to happen, as if there is a tragedy just around the corner and I'm heading for it head on. Something is wrong. Terribly wrong - and no one seems to care.

If I'm drowning, will anyone save me or will they let me sink? Maybe I wasn't ready to return.

Maybe the shadows are exactly where I belong...

- C.L.S

[Constance]

March 18, 2015

When a woman's fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it...

I'm losing bits of time.

I'll remember going out into the city, but then I won't remember what happened and I'll end up back at Kyrian's apartment with blood on my hands. It's not safe. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I haven't been able to talk to him about it, and honestly, I'm not sure if I would. I've been outweighing his anger at finding out too late, and his safety for not telling him at all. His safety is the most important thing to me.

They don't know this, but I've gotten myself a one way ticket to Asia. I know what you're thinking. 'Asia? What in the hell is in Asia?' Nothing. There is absolutely nothing there, and they would never think to look for me there. If I can't figure out the answers, if I can't work through this soon, I'm leaving and I won't come back. I won't paint a target on Sence and Valentina's backs because I've lost my head and can't control myself.

I can't put the ones I love in danger anymore.