To Be Condemned

[Aliyah]

[[OOC Note: The journal that holds these writings is brown leather, bound together loosely. It resembles an old Bible, a gold cross on the cover. It fact, it WAS an old Bible, that Aliyah ripped the pages from. The first date listed is the day of her turning, but it holds previous entires, as well. But she has cippled them together, as she finds them painful.

15 December 2014 (Date of Turning)

Have you ever woken from your sleep in a cold sweat, the tingles running down your spine as warning to be wary?

I woke that way today...the dark of the night still filtering in through my window, reminding me that I am alone, and there is no one to help me if I scream.

Perhaps that is for the best? I never did fit in back home...I never did belong in my parent's world, the world of the church. Sometimes, I think my parents feel they failed in raising me. Instead of becoming as devout as they, I turned my cheek. Scandalous.

God has done me no favors.

At 26 years old, one would think you could be set in your ways and know your place in the world. That...is a joke. I am no closer to knowing where I belong now then when I was 10 years ago and still in high school.

That is why I am travelling to Toronto. There is a promising job offer there, and perhaps it will free me from this cloister.

Or, it could end in disaster, leaving me no where to go...except, back home.

Like I said...God has done me no favors.

[Aliyah]

18 December 2014

Lets talk about...fangs.

Fangs? Fangs are a pain. Quite literally, in fact. I am positive I have poked my lips multiple times, creating little holes that my blood seems to enjoy running freely out of. Oh, but they heal so quickly you would never know they were there. Odd.

They also make it impossibly hard to smile. I am a kind person thing, and I enjoy smiling. But, no. That is not allowed until I manage to hide these annoyingly obvious things I now can my teeth. That is the last thing I need...someone to see these monstrosities and think I belong in the loony bin.

Perhaps I do, and this is all just a terrible, terrible dream.

But, alas, I know it is not a dream. This is reality, this is my new life...

And I do not understand a lick of it.

How is one supposed to walk about the streets, crowded streets, and manage to...feed off a human being unnoticed? Why must I live the rest of my life as a pure blood drinker. Blood...like, the red stuff in your body? Yes...that. That is disgusting. Even more disgusting, is the fact that I enjoy it, the taste and the way it rushes through me like a shot of adrenaline.

I no long have red blood, it would seem...my blood has turned black, black as coal. I have to wonder if all of us are like this...all vampires...I haven't had enough contact with any to know for sure.

[Aliyah]

20 December 2014


It would seem I have stumbled across an interesting ability. Stumble is quite the appropriate word, even. Let me explain...

Earlier today I was in the process of making my way to the sewers so that I might go into the QZ and haunt some zombies. Perfectly innocent, really. Well, I got sidetracked by an area of the city I had yet to become familiar with. So, I thought it best that I go and check it out, keeping my baring the whole time. The last thing I would have needed was to get lost. I have been lost too many times, already.

Well...I came to an alleyway and heard a soft rushing of water. I found it intriguing, as cities don't often have water running through them unless it is drainage grates. I followed the noise and spotted a small river, of sort, up ahead.

Now, you must know...I love water. I love swimming, surfing, snorkeling...if it involves water, I enjoy it. I raced towards it, hoping just to dip my hands in and splash my face, as I was wearing far to good of clothes to risk getting wet.Except, my feet didn't stop when I wanted them too, having tripped over something too small to see, apparently and I barrelled toward the water. I had closed my eye and braced for impact with the surface, thinking how badly I wished I wasn't about to get wet.

And then...I didn't. I never hit the water. I opened my eyes to find that my feet rest against the surface, not sinking while creating the tiniest of ripples. Can you imagine my surprise? I was told that working to get stronger and smarter would help me achieve these...abilities....that vampires possess, but walking on water?

I moved back to land and tested a theory, my feet wading into the water much like any ordinary human's might. The fact frustrated me and I once again went to land and prepared to enter the water, but this time I concentrated as hard as I could on staying dry...and IT WORKED. I can walk on water!

It's so Jesus-like, it's cliche.

Besides...I thought vampires were supposed to be graceful?

[Aliyah]

December 30, 2014

I am no longer living on the floors on the Deserted Bar or Multiplex in the QZ. Dirt no longer surrounds my head as I sleep, and I can feel safe in knowing that I don't have to rest with one eye open so that zombies don't suddenly surround me.

Honestly...I never really liked the idea of being indebted to someone, before...but, I think I can handle it this time.

I finally got to meet the heads of my line, Pi and Elliot. I had made a side comment on the CrowNet that I would be open any and all advice any of them could offer me, and Elliot actually got ahold of me last night. Granted, it was two weeks late, but better late than never. When I told him my current situation, he was pretty adamant on fixing it right then and there. I appreciate what he did for me, truly...especially as I write this from a bed, rather than a floor.

Once he showed me this place, he invited Pi so that should could sort of take me under her wing and explain some of the ropes to this place. It's pretty shameful to say that I still don't understand a lick, and only now know some very basic things...

LIKE THE FACT I CAN'T EAT OR DRINK!

When you love food as much as I do, I find it heartbreaking to know that tiny detail.

But! I now have plans to motion to meet with Pi again tomorrow so that she can situate me with the family gathering place. I hadn't even known there was one until yesterday. Still, it will be nice to know I always have a safe haven. Especially when I don't know anyone else...

Yeah, I think I should work on that..?

[Aliyah]

January 2, 2014

Another year gone...and a year of infinite change ahead. Despite being here for almost a month, I find myself in this constant state of unawareness. It's like, any moment I could wake up and everything will be back to normal. I will find myself in Toronto, all of this nothing more than a dream. I am not sure if I would be okay with it...or mourn this life. Can I even rightfully call it life, anymore? I am technically dead...

I am locked up inside this apartment, wishing that I could just be outside, feel the sun. I miss Australia, I miss the beaches, the sand. When you live on a giant island, it's like your own slice of paradise, always separate from the would around you. I liked that. I never felt uneasy, I was happy. Now? Now, I am borderline miserable. And the COLD. Why anyone would want to live like this, I will never understand.

Not only am I miserable, I think I may be losing my mind. Last night, I am positive that my hand...disappeared. Not completely, no, but enough that it was like a light flickering on and off. As quickly as I could blink, my hand was there...and no there. It's interesting, but terrifying all at once. I don't know what it means, and I have vowed to myself to seek out Pi or Elliot. One of them has to know, right?

I know I sound like a sniveling child, all dramatics and silf-pity. I can't help it...

Mom called today...

They are worried, obviously. I haven't called them in weeks. Not since...not since I arrived here. Dad is pretending my lack of calls isn't bothering him, but I know him better than that. Mom is...worrisome. She is asked questions, ones I can't answer. I managed to pacify her...this time. She ended the call by saying "God Bless, Ali..." The sound pierced through my ears like a sonic boom.

It's hard...I can't bring myself to call them on my own. Every time I try, I think about the danger I put them in. I haven't slipped up yet, but, what if I did? What if I went home to see them, and they just knew? Knew something wasn't right, and they pushed and pushed, and I lost it? What if I hurt them?

...what if they come looking?

[Aliyah]

January 14, 2015

It has been awhile since I lost wrote in here, hasn't it?

Well, I can't say I am surprised. I always end up losing one of these before I know it. But...I truthfully can't afford to lose it. This is the only thing I have left, really...to remind me of my human life. I would like to think I can hold on to my humanity for as long as possible, without turning into a completely ruthless monster.

I met someone named Ric. He claimed to be my cousin, that we shared grandparents by the names of Tomas and Evelyn. It has to be a load of ****, because I can't handle new family popping up on me now. It has been my parents and I for so long, I don't think I could let anyone else in. Not that Ric seems to the type to want to welcome family. He basically told me as much, and I him. He can rot, really. I am beyond done with him.

Not only that, but I also got to sit down with Dhara, my new flatmate. I was worried about the arrangement, at first. I wasn't sure that I could handle living in such close proximity to a human, but somehow, she managed to calm my fears. With assurances that we would work it all out together, she offered me something completely unexpected...

She is going to provide blood packets for me. When she has the time, and as I need them, she said she can stop to get the packets and bring them back to the apartment. With my restricted travel time, she basically said I could ask her to do any daylight errands for me. I have a feeling that I will come to see this human as a good friend. She has already done so much.

Not only that, but I sent am email to Maxon last night. I haven't heard back from him, yet, and in all honestly...I am not sure that he even uses that address, anymore. I guess the only way to know, is to wait. Forgiveness could be a long way off, even after all this time.

Ugh...why must my life involves so many knots?

[Aliyah]

January 31, 2015

I am slowly growing stronger. I am not sure how I know, but each day, I feel it.

I have developed these new...powers, I guess. I haven't had a lot of time to use them, but I would love to keep up with the practice. A while ago, Pi and Elliot had told me that I would be able to enter a building or apartment without need for invitation when I was able to better control my abilities. After what feels like forever, I have mastered it.

Not only that, but I think I can say that I have made a friend. A good one. One that I could tell anything to without fear of rejection or judgement. I haven't felt that since Maxon. Let alone with another female. But, Dhara is so open and calming. Something about her energy just makes me want to be happy. I have a lot to growing to do as a vampire, but I am content.

I met with Nathan Hawthorne. Ric had mentioned the boy during our first meeting, and after some careful research, I was able to find him at the university. He was...not what I had expected, and nothing like Ric. He was...nerdy, a bit eccentric, maybe. And as soon as he learned I could be his cousin....it was like I had given the best Christmas gift he had ever gotten. Apparently, the boy could wish for nothing more than to have his family all together.

Nate wants Ric and I to spend time with him...like a unit...like people who care.

He might be asked too much this time.

[Aliyah]

March 21, 2015

One month and 20 days since I last wrote in this journal. So much has happened that I can't even begin to explain , and it I tried, I might just burst. Bursting may not be the worst possibility, really, but I have people that depend on me. That means I need to keep a clear head. I never have been very good at that...

Anyway, it turns out that Ric...the man we thought might be my cousin...is actually my brother. Half-brother. We share paternal DNA, meaning we have the same father. I had a hard time accepting it, but when you call your mother in tears and she finally confesses the truth to you 26 years later, it can't be wished away. She cheated on my father...with Ric's father. Who also happens to be my uncle - my father's brother. Ric's father also has no knowledge that I even exist. My whole life has been a lie...

And surprisingly, that isn't the worst thing to happen to me. Ric and I fight like cats and dogs, leading him to disown me...and somehow, the other people in my life find ways to **** with my head. I sired a childe. Two of them, actually. Forsyth, my first...his turning was a nightmare and reliving it with Annalisa was only slightly less traumatic. But, so far, they both are doing well and have kept themselves off the vampire radar. For that, I am grateful.

Then, there is the fact that I share a dual-relationship with Forsyth. Not only do I serve as his sire, but I have since progressed into the realm of his girlfriend. I was pretty torn over it for a little while, but I have accepted that I like him. And no taboos made up by the vampire race is going to change that. If we make each other happy, then that is all that matters. So far...my biggest protester...has been Ric. Some brother he is.

I think I can say I have fully adjusted to vampire life, now, as well. My sleeping schedule is in full swing, my feeding habits are regular, and Elliot has officially become my...adopted sire, in a sense.

Life is good...in a hectic, stressful kind of way.

Does that even make sense?