RE: Apartment

[Hamlet]

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Friday
November 7, 2014
<email correspondence between Hamlet and Lourdes>





Josephine,

If you think I'm a one-trick pony, you're wrong. Don't let my excessive excitement over my beautiful face fool you. (I trimmed my beard just a few minutes ago, and honestly, it looks so good.)

The middle of the week works for me. I'll pick you up around 10PM or 11PM on wednesday? We'll walk from your office to the Handle Bar. Ride the subway, maybe? Make fun of funny looking people. Make sure you have big sunglasses, the ones that look like bug eyes. We can pretend you're a famous celebrity from Paris and I'll be your bodyguard. How good is your French? Regardless, I'm fluent. You don't have to speak. I'll yell things at people who get too close.


Yours,
Ralph

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[Lourdes]

My Dearest Ralph,

You're classy. I've underestimated you and I'm deeply sorry! I can digress for a moment to address your appearance, sir!

This might shock you, but have you ever considered not trimming? Maybe you could pretend you're a lumberjack. You'd like that career. It's a career, just so we're clear. Think about it.

Wednesday is a good day. Either 10 or 11 works. I'll take longer than necessary, complain about my appearance, change, and then end up taking until midnight. That's my role, right? Enough of the wit. I'll be ready.

I'll find some huge sunglasses and a floppy hat to wear. I can put Audrey Hepburn to shame, if you want to go down that road! As my bodyguard, you would need to wear a fitted black t-shirt and a scowl. Unless you're too classy for that and decide to go with a crisp suit and expensive shades. Your choice.

It seems like I should be fluent in French, but I'm not. I can say a few things, probably enough to escape a situation (or ask for the restroom). I can sign autographs though, but I'm too famous to sign them myself, so I use a stamp and I make my underpaid assistant do all the hard work.

Now that our stories are in order, I can't wait.

Sincerely,

Josephine

[Hamlet]

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Friday
November 7, 2014
<email correspondence between Hamlet and Lourdes>





Lord, we know what we are, but know not what we may be.





-J

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