Texts from Last Night [Open for all to use]

[Jesse Fforde]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--


<Jesse> [Text] I need your help, man...
<Micah> -t- Whats wrong?
<Jesse> [Text] I can't decidewhether to wear the black shirt or the blue one.
<Micah> -t-
<Jesse> [Text] I'm serious. The black is more practical but the blue one brings out my eyes.
<Micah> -t- You're asking me for fashion advice.
<Jesse> [Text] It's a serious ******* dilemma.
<Micah> -t- No its not go naked.
<Jesse> [Text] I can't do that. I'd be arrested for indecency and then shot for putting Masquerade at risk. Can't have that, can we?
<Micah> -t- Then wear black.
<Jesse> [Text] But the blue one is my favourite. Why do you say black? Do you think I've got a black personality?
<Micah> -t- Dude
<Jesse> [Text] What?!
<Micah> -t- Im a dude. Choosing a shirt color is NOT a dilemma
<Jesse> [Text] Dude. C'mon. What if it were life or death? Like.. picking the red wire or the blue one.
<Micah> -t- Are you trying to tell me that you bat for your own team too? Cause its ok if you swing both ways Jesse. I don't have a problem with gay men.
<Jesse> [Text] Ah. You caught me red-handed. Don't tell Grey.
<Micah> -t- Congratulations. Takes a real man to admit that
<Jesse> [Text] ****, man. Maybe I should wear the pink shirt then. What the **** do I do?!
<Micah> -t- Dude. Im sure you didn't text me to talk about shirt colors.
<Jesse> [Text] You're probably right. I'm probably just ******* with you.
<Micah> -t- Are you?
<Jesse> [Text] I don't know. Am I?
<Micah> -t- Yes. Im pretty sure you are.
<Jesse> [Text] What if I'm not?
<Micah> -t- Pretty sure you dont give a **** about shirt colors
<Jesse> [Text] Didn't answer my question. That hurts, man.
<Micah> -t- Awww allow me to serenade you
<Jesse> [Text] Would you really?
<Micah> -t- Sure. Family and ****
<Jesse> [Text] Well c'mon, man. I'm waiting.
<Micah> -t- No. I would not serenade you.
<Jesse> [Text] Oh I see! All words. You know I can't serenade myself. It makes me very sad.
<Micah> -t- Ask the little woman

[Micah]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse> [Text] But then she's ask why, and I'd have to put on the pink shirt and explain to her... WHAT DO I DO?!
<Micah> -t- This is my are you kidding face
<Jesse> [Text] I am. I'm kidding around. Like a kid. I'll start climbing trees soon. And munching on the leaves.
<Micah> -t- thought so
<Jesse> [Text] Start bleating at people in the middle of meetings.
<Micah> -t- baaah and ****?
<Jesse> [Text] Goats don't 'bah' dude. I'm not a sheep. I'm a goat. Goats are more badass.
<Micah> -t- You know some of them faint?
<Jesse> [Text] Probably for good reason. Probably pretending. Playing dead. It takes guts to fall and actually make it look like you fell properly.
<Micah> -t- Dude are you like high or something?
<Jesse> [Text] Nah. I'm sitting at Masterpiece and there are no customers and Grey is at work. I'm ******* bored.
<Micah> -t- Slow night?
<Jesse> [Text] Somewhat. Maybe I'll draw you a pretty flower. We can tattoo it on your *** and you can give it to Velveteen for Christmas.
<Micah> -t- She likes my *** ink free
<Jesse> [Text] I think you just like your *** ink free. I could ask her, you know.
<Micah> -t- You can
<Jesse> [Text] I will.
<Micah> -t- Im sure she'll be amused
<Jesse> [Text] We'll see.
<Micah> -t- Indeed
<Jesse> [Text] Oh I think I get it. She wants to tattoo flowers on your *** herself. I'll back off.
<Micah> -t- No she doesnt want to tattoo flowers on my ***
<Jesse> [Text] Alright. She wants to tattoo her name. Wreathed in flowers.
<Micah> -t- Riiiight
<Jesse> [Text] I got it from the horse's mouth. Ask her, if you don't believe me.
<Micah> -t- Oh trust me I will
<Jesse> [Text] ;)
<Micah> -t- I am flipping you off right now.
<Jesse> [Text] I'm giving you a brown eye.
<Micah> -t- And don't you dare offer to teach my wife to tattoo!
<Micah> -t- She ain't gonna get near me with her clumsy attempts to ink me.
<Jesse> [Text] Oh a dare in the form of a not-dare! I like this.
<Micah> -t- .....I just opened my mouth and inserted my foot
<Jesse> [Text] Is it tasty? You're going to be tasting that foot for a while.
<Micah> -t- ***
<Jesse> [Text] Customer. Gotta go.
<Micah> -t- Later

[Jesse Fforde]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse> [Text] I have a question. It's going to seem odd.
<Velveteen> [t] Sure. What's up?
<Jesse> [Text] Do you have something against tattoos on Micah's ***?
<Velveteen> [t] He doesn't have tattoos on his ***. I have seen it.
<Jesse> [Text] I figured. But would you care if there happened to be tattoos on his ***?
<Velveteen> [t] Oh. Yes I would! It is a reserved canvas. Why are you asking about my husband's ***. Is there something you want to tell me Jesse?
<Jesse> [Text] Oh. Maybe I should have asked you whether I should wear the black shirt or the blue. Micah wasn't very helpful.
<Velveteen> [t] Pfft. That shouldn't even be a question. The answer is always black.
<Jesse> [Text] Well that's what he said, in the end.
<Velveteen> [t] Jesse are you ok?
<Jesse> [Text] I got that right though, didn't I? Reserved canvas - because you'd prefer to tattoo his his *** yourself?
<Velveteen> [t] Yes. With my name. Except he wont let me near him with a tattoo gun. I have to learn how to tattoo first apparently. I am rolling my eyes right now.
<Jesse> [Text] It's a tattoo machine, Velveteen. A machine. And he's probably quite right - it's an artform.
<Velveteen> [t] I knew that! I blame autocorrect. Besides, how hard can it be. It's just a name. No fancy ****.
<Jesse> [Text] Wreathed in flowers. You want your name, wreathed in flowers.
<Velveteen> [t] Wreathed in what now? Why would I want my flowers on his ***. Jesse have you been feeding on women? Having estrogen problems or something?
<Jesse> [Text] I just thought it would be sweet if he gave you flowers for Christmas. Y'know?
<Velveteen> [t] Dude. I am not waiting till christmas to be able to....actually nevermind. Are you high?
<Jesse> [Text] Why does everyone think I'm high? I can't get high!
<Velveteen> [t] I wish I could get high.
<Jesse> [Text] Right? But I have a plan. It's nefarious. Want to know it?

[Velveteen]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Velveteen> [t] I don't know. I’m a bit scared of you right now. Not really. Sure, what is this plan?
<Jesse> [Text] I teach you how to tattoo. We knock him out. You tattoo him. Yeah?
<Velveteen> [t] I...might be down for that. But I aint putting no flowers.
<Jesse> [Text] Alright fine. No flowers. Skulls and dead things. Is that better?
<Velveteen> [t] I don't want dead things on my man’s *** either. What is wrong with you tonight? Just my name...in maybe some of that fancy writing. You know...tasteful. I have to look at it after all.
<Jesse> [Text] Why does there have to be something wrong with me?
<Velveteen> [t] I don't know. Have you ever tattooed a dude's *** before?
<Jesse> [Text] Plenty of times.
<Velveteen> [t] Did you have to shave them first?
<Jesse> [Text] Yes.
<Velveteen> [t] Bet you have seen some butt ugly hairy asses then. That can't be too pleasant Jesse. Elbows deep in some dirty bikers hairy *** crack. I hope you charged extra for that.
<Jesse> [Text] Job's a job. It's all just canvas. Some canvas is worse than others.
<Velveteen> [t] I bet. What is the worst canvas you have ever had?
<Jesse> [Text] Probably that time some chick came in with chicken pox. Infested. That **** was nasty.
<Velveteen> [t] You couldn't actually have tattooed her could you? That **** is infectious man.
<Jesse> [Text] Well she tried to tell me it was hives. Just an allergic reaction to something. Soon as one of those fuckers bursted puss though, I told her to get the **** outta my shop.
<Jesse> [Text] Well, violently gestured that she should get the **** out of my shop.
<Velveteen> [t] Violently gestured. You are so gonna have to show me how that goes one night.
<Jesse> [Text] Sure.
<Velveteen> [t] Awesome. So when do we start the tattoo lessons anyway?
<Jesse> [Text] Swing by the shop? I'm bored, obviously.
<Jesse> [Text] Wait, customer just walked in. Swing by anyway.
<Velveteen> [t] Got it. See ya soon!