When you were Young (Zoey)

[Doc]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ff0oWESdmH0

"--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--"

Doc: Doc saw the state Zoey was in, and he knew that Vel was going to speak to her and Blake last evening. However, it looked as though Zoey had gone a coupled rounds with a meat grinder instead of having a talk with Vel. He could also tell by the set of her jaw, the clenched muscles in her face, that she was not happy. That was one thing about Zoey, her easy smile, her easy going nature. It was now shattered. And from the look on her face currently, it wasn’t about to be back anytime soon. He debated, let her deal on her own, or step in? The inner voice told him not to meddle in the affairs of a married couple. But seeing the look on her face, he knew he couldn’t walk away. He approached her, reached to take her hand with his. “Let’s walk Zoey.”

Zoey Jane Andras: Last night had been not what she needed, or expected. She hadn't expected to be ganged up on by two people that claimed to care about her, by two people that claimed they wanted what was best for her. Was emotionally manipulating her and treating her like a child that couldn't make the right choices really what was best for her? Was forgiving someone who could so easily shatter her the best for her? She laughed bitterly at the thought, while she stared through the cracks in the wooden planks that were the walls of their fortress. The city, her city, was beautiful. It would have been even better painted in a fresh coat of crimson. Doc's touch drew her out of her dazed state, but she didn't flinch or jump. She merely turned to look up at him with an eerily calm demeanor about her, her face and eye void of any expression. The only thing she felt was an utter state of control, and she... loved it. "If you want to," she spoke softly, pushing herself away from the wall to gravitate towards him.

Doc: Doc tucked her hand into the crook of his arm. They walked in silence for several minutes before he finally spoke. “Zoey. You’ve lost the sparkle to your eyes. If there was one person that I could count on to give me a smile regardless of how bad things were, it was you.” He let the silence grow while his words sank in. “If you keep going the way you are.. you are never going to have that sparkle again. I can’t let that happen. Bottling up your hurt and anger only works for a short period of time. Then it begins to fester.. and rot. The rot eats at the soul of who you are. And once that starts.. you will never be the same again..” He once more paused to let the words sink in. “You need to let it out, Zoey.”

Zoey Jane Andras: She listened quietly to his words, letting her head wrap around them, feeling the weight of them for a little while before she looked up to watch his expression. A small smile pulled at her lips, barely making her dimples show. "Sure I will. Killing makes me happy... Blood makes me happy." To emphasize, she held up her free hand, rotating it beneath the dim lights of the Eyrie so that he could see the way they made the blood shine on her skin, like red silk, or polished leather. She brought the digits to her mouth to suck a few of them clean, only to pause. His last statement made her rigid, her eyes go dark. She didn't want to let that out.

Doc: He felt her tense. He could sense her pulling back, withdrawing into that protective shell where emotioned were pushed downed and stamped into non-existence. “Zoey.. Talk to me. There is no judgement, no condemnation, anything you say will go no further. But the words need to be said. You are so entrenched in your own thoughts, you are probably stuck in a loop. And endless vicious cycle that seemed more daunting with each rotation. Sometimes giving the thoughts a voice, allows you to put things in better perspective. Right now, how do you feel?”

Zoey Jane Andras: Her tongue came to swipe across her lips, licking away the blood that stained them, before she exhaled. A short, sad little laugh slid over her tongue in a breath, before she ran those same fingers through her hair to push it out of her face. "Everyone keeps asking me that," she muttered, giving the long, dark strands a nearly painful tug, as if it would keep her grounded to where she was. A safe, grounded place where she could sense the hurt that she felt, but couldn't be lost in it. "I feel like I'm floating above my body and watching my life from the outside. And I want to stay there. I don't want to snap back."

Doc: “That is a dissociative defense mechanism. We all do it to one degree or another. However, sometimes when we are in crisis, we cling to that defense mechanism too long, or too tightly. We ourselves, may not recognize it. But others see it. Others can only watch as a person slowly implodes.” He paused, “I am watching an imminent implosion, and I am trying to stop it. Let me help you.”

Zoey Jane Andras: Her lips twitched into the beginnings of a frown while her hand back down over her face, scrubbing the skin, pulling at it. "How do you intend to help me? By turning me back into the fragile little girl that I was? Whiny, pathetic, emotional? By emotionally manipulating me to forgive the ****** that doesn't deserve my forgiveness?" She grinned, then; but it wasn't joy. It was feral. It was mean. "He never loved me, Doc. He wanted someone to possess and ****."

Doc: “I don’t give a **** about him Zoey. You are my concern. I want you to have a safe constructive place to talk, vent, scream. Nothing you tell me will be said to anyone. I won’t push you to make any sort of decision good or bad about him. I would be doing you a disservice if I did. You have to be the architect of your future, not me. Not him. Only you.”

Zoey Jane Andras: She stared at him for a while, as if at first part of her didn't trust what he was saying. No one had said those things to her since it happened, and anyone who did had an ulterior motive. But this was Doc -- she knew much better than that. Releasing the hold she had on his arm, she turned her back to him and took a few steps away so she could let her composure begin to drip away, like a melting skin. Both hands rubbed at her face now, as it changed from dark and calculated to something pained.

Zoey Jane Andras: Her chest was rising and falling in quiet, short bursts that left her breathing rapid, and her eyes were closed so that she could focus on not crying. Even still, she could feel the moisture building behind her lids, hot and wet. "Every time I have tried to speak to him about it, to get somewhere... he puts a little more of the blame on me."

Doc: “And you felt? Betrayed? Hurt? Maybe a little of both?” His voice was calm, non-judgemental. “These are perfectly normal responses Zoey. If you had not had a reaction, it would be more cause for worry. There is nothing wrong in having a strong reaction when a trust is broken..” He paused, “Is that what you felt, Zoey?”

Zoey Jane Andras: "And maybe the fault will be mine if I don't forgive him or take him back. But I'm okay with that. What I am not okay with, is feeling guilt over something that I should not feel guilt about. I did not tell him to ignore me... I did not tell him to stop communicating his needs with me. I did not shove him at Phoenix, and I did not force him to undress her or kiss her. I waited for him to be ready to talk to me. He said himself that he had demons to deal with on his own. So I waited." She paused and turned to face him, finally opening her eyes so he could see the betrayed, angry tears in her violet orbs. "All of the above."

Doc: “We are not talking about fault, or who is to blame. That is a discussion for another time. A time when you have sorted out your feelings. We are talking about how you felt at the time, and now, because you need to understand why you had such a strong reaction.” He watched her as he spoke. Everything was still very raw for her. “When I say ‘understand why’, there is no blame. There is cause and effect. Currently you are experiencing the ‘effect’ of anger and betrayal. And we could say the ‘cause’ was someone else’s actions. But, that’s the easy way out. The ‘cause’ I want you to think about it,..is why your reactions are what they are. Is it because of an undisclosed fear came to fruition? Is it because you feel like it was deliberate attempt to hurt you? I do not know the answer. Only you do. And this is something you may not be able to answer right away. And that is alright.”

Zoey Jane Andras: She looked down at her feet as he spoke, thinking through the roller coaster of emotions she'd felt since Blake confessed. A sad smile took its place on her mouth, and roughly, she wiped beneath her eyes to get rid of the tears that were leaking onto her cheeks. "At first, I was shocked that he did it. Unsure and confused because I wasn't sure why. Hurt, not just because I felt betrayed. Because I gave that one shot that I had... to share myself that much with someone... to a man that clearly didn't give a **** if he hurt me or not. Maybe he feels guilt now... But it isn't because he hurt me. It's because he got caught. It's because he's burning the bridges that he took the time to build." She sniffed wetly and lifted an arm to wipe across her mouth and nose. "I feel foolish."

Zoey Jane Andras: "I was used."

[Zoey Jane]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

Doc: Doc nodded slowly. She had given this some thought. It wasn’t some festering ball of anger that he had been afraid it was. Anger with no outlet, or anger with malicious cyclical thoughts fueling them, was what he had been afraid of. However, she was still walling herself away. He needed to make sure she knew it was normal and justified. “This is completely acceptable to have those feelings, Zoey. No one wants to admit that, they were used. But only the strong can actually admit it. The weak tend to hide behind belligerent bluster, giving a host of excuses why they weren’t used. How they knew or suspected all along.” He paused, “However, the true question is, were you really ‘used’? Was it a malicious act that was perpetrated with the end goal of hurting you? Or was it simple stupidity?”

Zoey Jane Andras: She closed her eyes so she could think. Had every single thing he'd ever said to her been a lie? A hook to sink into her 'skin', to bend and pose her like his doll, for his ulterior motives? She scowled some, but ended up giving a small shake of her head. "Part of me would like to think the latter."

Zoey Jane Andras: "But I don't know."

Doc: “So, these emotions that are being fed by this ‘feeling of betrayal’ based on the belief you were ‘being used’; could all be false. And if they are false.. what does that mean?” He let the question lay there for a moment. “Could it mean, that you are making yourself feel sick over something that may be a falsehood? And if that is the case, that the malicious act of betrayal making you feel used, is a lie.. what becomes of that anger?”

Zoey Jane Andras: She furrowed her 'brows in a look that could come across as confusion. In fact, it did confuse her, because she wasn't exactly sure. She hadn't thought about that. What if? "Am I supposed to forgive him if I'm wrong?"

Doc: “We arent talking about blame. Or forgiveness. I want you to understand your emotions. Where they are coming from, what may be motivating them. Once you understand how your emotions are feeding your anger, then you are hopefully in a better position to sort out what is real and what isn’t. Do you understand?”

Zoey Jane Andras: She gave a small nod as she moved to take a seat on one of the leather couches. Both hands ran back through her hair, combing through the bloody mess of tangles. "Then I would feel less betrayed, but betrayed nonetheless."

Doc: “And does that help you put things into perspective, somewhat?” He hoped he was having a positive effect, he didn’t want to make her feel that she wasn’t justified in feeling hurt, betrayed or angry. She had every right to have and express all of those feelings, as long as they were viewed in the right light. Blind fury at a supposed reason, was never conducive to getting past a hurt, especially if the cause of the hurt was imaginary. It took all his control not sit Zoey down and tell her to kick that ****** to curb. But that wasn’t his call. Only Zoey could decide whether she would forgive or not.

Zoey Jane Andras: "That I'm upset... because I'm afraid that his love was never real at all?" She shrugged both shoulders and leaned back into the sofa, slumping. "A little."
Zoey Jane Andras: "It isn't just that, though. It's... that he did it at all. It's who he did it with. It's that he continues to lie to me."
Zoey Jane Andras: "And I know I don't deserve any of those things."
Doc: “The love may or may not be real.” He squatted down to be eye level with her, “And you didn’t deserve it. But it was done. It did happen. And now you have to decide whether you want to be hard and bitter for the next decades or centuries.. or do you want to let the anger go, and and start healing?”

Zoey Jane Andras: Zoey lifted her gaze to stare at his expression once more. This time, she wasn't confused; she knew exactly what she wanted. "Why not both? Why can't I be guarded and tough? I was pathetic... I constantly wanted love and affection. That isn't me anymore. I don't want that to be me again. Ever."

Doc: “You can. But it will have a price. A price I am not sure you appreciate. It is a price that I don’t want to see you pay. You will lose your smile, your carefree laugh. In it’s place will be a cynical derisive ***** whose amusement will be found at the expense of others. You will turn into one of those hard females that never really find happiness again.” He lowered his voice, “There are too many bitches in this world. There are not enough Zoeys. There are not enough smiles. Don’t lose that part of you .. if you become that tough cynical *****.. who wins? Not you. Not Blake. Who Zoey?”

Zoey Jane Andras: Her face fell at the realization his words sparked. A realization that gave her more clarity than anything else, not simply because it was true, but because of who she was beginning to compare herself to. ****. "I would be like Phoenix."

Doc: Doc didn’t say anything for a moment. He wanted her to think about her conclusion. Whether he felt it was right or wrong it didn’t matter. What Zoey felt was the answer was all that mattered. “Letting go of the anger.. doesn’t mean you have forgiven or forgotten. It means you are able to make a decision based on logic, based on on what is best for you, based on what you want ‘your’ future to be.. and not based on an emotional response you may regret later.”

Zoey Jane Andras: She chewed on the inside of her lip, worrying over the flesh with her teeth in thought. It took her a few minutes to finally gather her thoughts, but she managed. "I don't want to let my trust be an easy thing to attain, and I don't want to be a fool. That's why I can't forgive him now, maybe ever. He has to earn my trust back. But in the same vein... I don't want to ever be like her."

Doc: “You are within your rights to withhold making a decision until you have thought through all the repercussions, from all angles.” She no longer looked so distant and cold. The hard blank look was replaced with a searching look.

Zoey Jane Andras: "I know... It's why I wanted some space from him," she murmured, scratching her fingernails along the side of her neck. "But I can't get that."

Doc: “It does seem as though, he is always underfoot. That has to be stressful all by itself. Have you asked him to give you space?”

Zoey Jane Andras: "Yes," she mumbled, while curling her legs up towards her chest so she could lay a cheek atop her knees. She looked tired, like thinking about the subject alone was mentally draining her. "I'm going to see him. It's a given. We're part of the same family, the same faction. It can't be helped."

Doc: Doc stewed on this. He wanted to be able to go back in time and shake her, and tell her not to bind to him. He had made that mistake. He didn’t want to see it happen to her. But it had.Except he had the luxury of leaving the place that his ball and chain haunted. Zoey did not have that luxury. Every time she turned around, there he was, hulking about, symbolically guilting her with his every look. “Can you handle it Zoey?”

Zoey Jane Andras: A tremor caught her lower lip and spread all the way out through her jaw, hardening the burning lump in her throat and glassing over the vivid hues in her eyes. That question had her teetering on the thin, fraying line between that sweet, controlled rage and the chaotic emotion that wanted to consume her whole. Barely moving an inch, she gave a small shake of her head and mumbled into her forearm. "I'll try."

Doc: “Zoey.. there is no try. There is either you can.. or you cannot. If you cannot.. we need to make a plan. Irony.. I just told someone else this.. there is no dishonor in making a strategic withdrawal.”

Zoey Jane Andras: "I can't withdraw. That would mean leaving the faction, wouldn't it? My dad's there. He'd be disappointed."

Doc: "No, that's quitting. I am not advocating quitting. I suggesting a withdrawal to a safe zone, part of Eyrie he is not allowed.. " Doc would make his hut private, and give it to Zoey.

Zoey Jane Andras: "I could have him uninvited from my hut... and from my house," she suggested, rubbing the bend of a knuckle back and forth along her cheekbone. "But that doesn't mean I won't see him in hunts."

Doc: "Ah.. but a hunt is a group. Chances of him trying to push any buttons.. are slim. Unless you start it.. " He eyed her, "You can be quite the instigator."

Zoey Jane Andras: She shook her head. "I won't be. After last night... I'd rather not push him."

Doc: "Good. I feel you have made progress.. how do you feel now?"

Zoey Jane Andras: "Sad," she mumbled. It was the only thing she could think to describe it. She knew what she had to do, and part of her didn't want to do it. It was conflicting... confusing, painful. Sad.

Doc: "Do you want to talk about it?" He schooled his face to reflect a passiveness he didn't feel. Sad? He expected frustrated, irritated, maybe even arrogant aloofness, but not sadness.

Zoey Jane Andras: "You've helped enough," she told him, lifting her gaze while she offered the man a faint smile.

Doc: And now she was shutting him out. He promised he wouldn't push. ****. Doc nodded as his lips pressed into a grim line. "You know my number.. use it when you need to. Anytime."