Returning Home - Jesse Fforde -

[Felicity (DELETED 4145)]

I had never intended to leave the city, further more once I had been gone returning seemed harder. I would have so much to explain, to so many. Would anyone really understand. No one knew a lot about me, I know that. That had been my own doing and now, I would have to explain so much. Especially to Jesse, I feel horrible about being gone as long as I have hopefully he will understand that. Hopefully he wont hate me and will understand once I explain all of it to him.

Walking down the city streets I look around, things feel different yet all feel the same. I don't know how to explain it, things are familiar and yet I know there has been a lot of changes. Of course there has, I have been gone for so long. How could I not expect things to change. Just hopefully that haven't changed to much.

Sighing as I walk I try to let the tension roll off of my body. I don't know why I didn't call while I was gone, I suppose dealing with my past had a lot to do with it, but now I would pay for that decision. Shaking my head I try to ease my thoughts. I know no one followed me hear, but knowing what I know now well I would be watching my own back. Eternal life or not, pain was still possible and there was still a somewhat possibility of death regardless.

It was time for me to face to music though. Pulling my phone out I send a text to Jesse asking for him to meet me. He can pick the place but I figure at least this way he knows I am back. Taking a seat on the bench I chew on my bottom lip, a habit I had beat at one point, but now was back. Watching my surroundings I sigh again. Things were different now, they would always be different and nothing would be like it was before. I know that, hopefully there will be some solace here though. Some forum of relief outside of the torment and horrors I had faced going back to my hometown.

[Jesse Fforde]

As I traipse through the sewers I start to wonder whether the population of hunters has boomed. Once upon a time when I’d take to the sewers for my entertainment, they’d be few and far between. Tonight, however, they seem to be around every single corner. Although it works well to keep my mind and my soul out of that dark place they seem to forever be seeking, I know that it’s also not a good thing. I figure I am doing my part, taking them down like cows to the slaughter. But where have they come from, and why are there so many, now? I assume it is because of the city alert. It’s not doing so well. Too many people are witnessing too many things actioned by vampires. And the hunters are growing in force.

When my phone buzzes in my pocket I don’t immediately check it. I am instead dancing and swinging between two hunters, grunting and slicing, before pulling out my gun to finish the job. Only when they are both dead and crumpled do I stop, sheath my weapons, wipe my hands and pull the smart phone from my pocket.

What I see is something that I never expected to see again. I had given up on the majority of my childer; they do not talk to me anymore, and I have accepted that it is probably something that I had done, regardless of the fact that Micah assured me it’s not my fault. I can’t remember the last time that I heard from Felicity, or the last time that I saw her. And when I see her name on the screen of my phone, a tumult of emotion vies for my attention.

One: I feel an overwhelming tidal wave of relief.

Two: The first tidal wave is followed by one of fear – what if she goes home and finds Grey there?

Three: Anxiety – for Grey, and an impatience to see Felicity.

Number three I choose to push away and try to ignore. Anxiety is a weakness and I don’t want a bar of it. As I read the message, the wave of fear recedes. She hasn’t gone home. I can focus instead on the fact that Felicity is back in the city. I text back:

I’m going to shower. Will meet you at Larch Court. Number 12, if you don’t remember.

I push the phone into my pocket and I swiftly move to the nearest exit. As much as I want to dismiss my profound relief and my need to see Felicity, I don’t. I remember the last conversation I had with Velveteen regarding childer. I focus on my feelings toward this particular one. Is there something in that, the need to be close to the ones that I have turned?

I chose Larch Court for the meeting place not only because it is where I want the Fforde lineage to know they are welcome, but because the Swansdale exit is the one I am closest to. I haul myself up onto street level and conspicuously push the manhole back in place. I jog to the housing estate, weave through its quiet little streets, until I am through the doors to my own house. I stop just inside to assess – no one else is there. I drop my weapons by the door and head for the communal bathroom. I have some clothes in one of the closets in the communal bedroom. I aim to be quick.

[Jesse Fforde]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--


<Felicity> Walking inside of Larch Court I look around. This was a new place, somewhere I haven't been. This isn't my home, at least not the home I know. I am use to that feeling though, use to new homes, new places and things always changing. Most the time life was easier that way, I had been looking forward to some bit of normalcy though, some bit of a familiarity. Regardless that was neither here nor there. Taking a deep breath I look around and take in my new surroundings.

<Jesse Fforde> The shower I take is quick. Just enough to wash the grime away. I hastily dry myself and step out into the corridor - the place is still quiet, with no one around. I meander into the bedroom where I pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I remain barefooted. It's just as the shirt settles around my torso that I hear the front door open and close. I wander back out to the main room and I grin at Felicity. I can't help myself. She'd not dead, and she looks healthy, and well. It's more than I could have hoped for. "Felicity. Where the hell have you been?" Does she know that I have regained my voice? Or did that happen before she disappeared? The question could have been reprimanding, but it wasn't. Couldn't be, with that grin still on my face.

<Felicity> Hearing his voice I stand there dumb founded. Few things render me speechless this was one of them. Looking at him I take a deep breath. Jesse is talking now, what all have I missed? The questions bounces around inside of my mind, trying to find an answer but I wont really know anything till I speak. "Jesse.. your talking" Sure it was stating the obvious but I was still in shock to be totally honest. " I was dealing with some things from my past.. I had to return to my home town." I spoke slowly uncertainly. I feel unsettled, something feels different. I am happy to see him but something feels different.

I feel bad missing out on whenever he got his voice, I feel bad for not being here. That is what feels different I have missed out on so much and now that all is becoming so real. Shaking my head I smile to him. "Sorry Jesse just Im in a bit of shock. I have missed you, how are you?"


<Jesse Fforde> How am I? It’s a question that I thoroughly dislike and one that I do not answer, simply because I am not doing so well. But that’s not something that I like to tell everyone; it’s not something that I want everyone to know. I’d prefer that they think I’m just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole, rather than explaining the underlying reasons. I nod, slowly, in response to the first statement. I am speaking, even if my voice remains a husk of what it could be. I assume it will always be slightly broken. I gesture to one of the couches, indicating that this conversation is probably best had sitting down rather than lingering awkwardly in the middle of the room.

“And how did that go?” I ask, referring to her explanation for her absence. “Are things dealt with?” I ask, tending more toward curiosity than toward irritation. Nothing serious, then. No reason why she couldn’t have left a message. Again, though, I have to remind myself that she is a big girl and I am not some figure of authority that she should feel tethered to. She is free to do as she pleases.


<Felicity> Looking at him I take a deep breath. "Well it could have been better than it was. It wasn't pleasant by any means. It was well dealing with things I thought were over. I met to call, but things got bad for a while." I wasn’t saying everything I knew that. But the people I was dealing with back home were not pleasant they had made threats against people I cared for. There were to many who knew and to many for me to try and take care of on my own. So I did what I thought would have worked and returned home to deal with the issues that were there. Now I would deal with what I had done.

<Jesse Fforde> I nod. I am the last person in the world who'll force anyone to tell me things they don't want to. The vague explanation works well enough for me. The fact that she had returned meant that the things she had to deal with were no doubt dealt with, and if not, then I am certain I'll be hearing about it, if she requires any help. I lick my lips an gesture to the room down the hall, where all the bunk beds are. "In your absence, I wasn't using the apartment at all," I say. "I've packed all your things that were there - they're in boxes in the other room. I rented the apartment out. I'm sorry, I just didn't know if you were coming back," I say. I had to think of something to keep Felicity from going back to the apartment and finding Grey. And it's not a complete lie, either. I have packed all her stuff, and it is in boxes in the other room. I'd done that about a month ago.

<Felicity> That takes me back and makes my breath catch in my throat. I was moved, I didn't like that. "I see." I say with a nod to him."When did you start talking?" I ask curiously. figure it would be a good change of topic. Avoiding talking about my things being moved, at least I would still have them, and they weren't just thrown away. There could be worse things. Of course things still feel different, no attempt at a hug or for that matter to even be close, things are different, call it womans intuition I dont know but something else has changed.

<Jesse Fforde> I can tell that she isn't happy, and I suppose there are other ways that I could have broken the news to her. Too late now though, I suppose. She doesn't push the matter, however, and instead changes the topic. I suppose I owe her that much, and should answer to the best of my ability. "I don't remember the exact date," I say. "A few months ago, maybe. Not long after you left," I say, frowning. It's a blur, now, in my memory. I really can't remember the specifics.

<Felicity> I nod to him walking further into what I am guessing is now my new home. "I see it would seem I have missed a lot... What else have I missed?" I know my voice alone will give away at my agitation but I was doing the best I can at the moment. Glancing around I have to wonder where everyone else is. "Where is everyone else?" I ask him simply as I look around.

<Jesse Fforde> My gaze hardens. Felicity hasn't taken a seat, like I had offered for her. I sit on the couch as I watch her wander around, her eyes darting to and fro in obvious curiosity. I bite the inside of my tongue before I respond: "They've all wandered off without a word. Just like you did," I reply. It's hard not to feel a tiny bit bitter. Sure, yes, Felicity is a big girl who doesn't owe me any explanations, but that just means she doesn't see me as someone who deserves them. Not before the fact, anyway. It confirms my beliefs. I give a shrug. "Axel is engaged to Phoenix. I'm still on the outs with Altaire. Renee, Ursula, and Paige are the only ones I see often," I shake my head. I'm not sure that she's missed much else.

<Felicity> Nodding I finally walk around and take a seat near by Jesse. "Ah I see. Well I left because it was that or risk the life of someone I do care for, even if I am no longer in their life." I shake my head. "I would have called, but things got out of hands, I had to deal with things I hadn't been prepared to deal with to be honest." I shrug and take a deep breath. "Im sorry to hear that others have left as well. and surprised to hear about Axel and Phoenix."

<Jesse Fforde> I run my tongue over my teeth, not once taking my eyes from Felicity. She offers me condolences and apologies, and I heft another shrug. "It's fine," I say. "I got over it," I add. It's a lie, kind of. In some ways I did get over it; I tried very hard to take to heart what Micah had said. Some just weren't cut out for this life and would drift off and die. And it's not my fault. But every now and again I slip back into my old state of mind. Of course it's my fault. How could it not be? I lean back on the couch, legs sprawled in front of me. "It's life. I'm sure Axel is happy where he is and so good for him," I say with a sigh.

<Felicity> I watch Jesse paying attention to his voice and his demeanour. "You don't seem fine Jesse." I say softly to him as I sit there looking at him. My eyes searching for answers I feel I don't have. Sighing I shake my head. "I am sorry for not being her, I had to make a quick decision and I did and then things just turned ugly from there. Regardless of the reason I am sorry I wasn't here."

<Jesse Fforde> I have to rein it in. I hold my breath - not hard to do - and straighten my shoulders. I bite the inside of my cheek and count to ten. Felicity is my progeny. She is a woman who once shared my bed; I do care about her, a lot. I have to remind myself that I care. In the past couple of months I've tried to push everyone away, to give up any care I might have had only because I thought it made me weak. It doesn't - I need to stop thinking that way. And I need to not snap at her. I release the breath I was holding. I shake my head. "If things aren't fine it's not anything I want to talk about," I say, tendery. "You had things to take care of. And I should have followed up on your whereabouts anyway," I say.

<Felicity> Hearing his words is like a smack in the face. He has changed. Sure before he couldn't speak but now that he could well something seemed different now. Regardless I shake off those feelings and nod to him. "Alright." Is the only thing I can say, I don't know what else to say to him beyond that. I hate feeling awkward and that is exactly how I feel right now. "Why are things so awkward, before I left they weren't this awkward, sure maybe a little but nothing like this.?" I couldn't help I spoke my mind, something I didn't do often enough.

[Felicity (DELETED 4145)]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--



<Jesse Fforde> Awkward? I'm not really sure I'm familiar with the feeling. People talk about 'awkward silence' but it's never really meant much to me. Silence is a boon buddy, a friend. In silence, one can consider their words before speaking out of turn. Silence can be companionable. I don't know why people so often seek to fill it up. I don't think Felicity is referring to the silence, though. "Awkward in what way?" I ask. I cannot answer her question properly if she does not clarify - if she does not expand on this feeling she has that I have no inkling of.

<Felicity> "This, here things between us feel awkward Jesse. I mean I have been gone for months and you seem well different in several ways, and things between you and me seem awkward.." There I said it, well I said it as best as I could. Something were harder to explain, to put into words. I left it at what I had already said because saying anything more would be pushing it and I don't really want to do that right now.

<Jesse Fforde> Aaah. I should have guessed. I bow my head and give a sad smile. "I am different," I tell her. I lift my eyes to her - they are hard and unforgiving. "I am an asshole. And I am a whore. You were gone for months and I moved on," I say. It's not untrue. I shake my head again. "You are too good for me, Felicity, and it wouldn't have worked anyway. Better that you were gone when it happened," I say.

<Felicity> Looking at him I take a deep breath. He is my sire and I will always be loyal to that, in this moment that is hard to wrap my mind around though. Standing up I shake my head looking down at him. "Don't sit here and use the cop out I was to good for you. We each make choices and every single one of us are responsible for those choices. I wasn't here so therefore I wasn't enough." Shaking my head I take a deep breath. Anger is not an emotion a deal with often.

<Jesse Fforde> Anger is expected. She has every right to be angry. I throw my hands up in surrender and fall back into the couch. "I'm not going to try to defend myself," I say. I don't tell her that I've fallen in love. I don't tell her that, though I had a few women in her absence, I've now found one who keeps me. That would only add salt to the wound - and besides, I'd prefer Felicity doesn't go looking for Grey. "Your anger is justified," I say. I wonder now whether it was a mistake to have slept with my childer. Sex complicates things. Felicity is back, but now I wonder for how long.

<Felicity> Shaking my head I look at Jesse. "Well this I should have expected." Shaking my head again I begin walking back and forth in the room. I have never really dealt well with anger and well now I am getting to figure it out. Stopping in my steps I look at Jesse. "This is going to change things Jesse, your my sire and I will always be loyal to you as my sire, but right now I don't trust you. That may sound stupid which I could understand I am the one who left but I didn't cheat."

<Jesse Fforde> I stand, now. I don't like being looked down on, even if it might be deserved. I cross my arms over my chest. And nor do I like being told that I can't be trusted. "I cheated on you, Felicity. You left without a word..." I have to bite the inside of my tongue again. This self-loathing **** needs to stop. I take a breath that I do not need, but it bolsters me. "I cheated on you. Sex is a commodity and it's got nothing to do with the things that really matter. In this world, anyway," and then I stop. I want to tell her that she can trust me to keep her safe. I remember the way I was at fight night, how I begged for death. How can a dead man keep anyone safe? I am a useless excuse for a man. I shake my head, all the steam leaving my body. I sit back down and rub my face in my hands.

<Felicity> Looking at him I shake my head. "Yes I left, I had to Jesse I didn't have very many options. That I have apologized to you for." Taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch I look around the room. "It depends on the person Jesse on what really matters in this life." I had trusted Jesse, sure I imagined he wouldn't sit around and wait for me, but to say he was a whore well that was like a knife in my gut. I refused to allow myself to cry no matter how hurt I was right now. I would not cry in front of him that I couldn't do.

<Jesse Fforde> It depends on the person. I'm not sure what it looks like when I smile, but I'm sure it's probably not pretty. "I accept your apology, Felicity," I say. "That's fine," I pause, giving myself some silence and some time so that I don't start spilling venom about myself. The last thing I want is her pity. What she's saying, what I can hear, is that she doesn't trust me, because I am not the sort of person you'd trust - not only in a relationship, but with everything. It only aligns with what I had already thought, and the reason why they'd all wandered off to begin with. All I say, in the end, is: "I understand."

<Felicity> Looking at Jesse I sigh shaking my head. "I am going to need time Jesse. and then when I move past this we can see how to restore the friendship if you want that.." I shook my head I didn't know what else to say right now, or how much more I trusted myself to say to him at this moment. I was hurting and speaking out of pain or anger was never a good idea.

<Jesse Fforde> "Of course I do, Felicity," I say, though to call it 'friendship' seems so childish. It's more about a bond - a wish to fulfil some role that I have given myself as sire, but which I am failing at. Of course I want to keep that relationship, but at the moment I am at a loss about how to prove myself. I want to tell her that I'll be around, but what if I'm not? What if my death wish succeeds in throwing me off a cliff? I grind my teeth. All the more reason to resist it. I feel like a can. Something about being in her presence - it's soothing. "I'm always around. And hurry on past it, yeah? I meant it, you know. I'm not just saying it. I'm not good as a happily ever after, and you deserve someone who would have waited," I say.

<Felicity> Hearing those words I desperately want to just curl under a rock and die or cry. Right now I dont know. I can feel something break inside of me. Taking a slow breath I keep myself from crying."I will do what I can Jesse. I didn't expect you to wait, I wouldn't expect that of anyone. I just didn't expect all this." My hands went out around my. In one day I found out I had been moved, and had lost someone dear to me. My heart was breaking and the pieces were falling apart around me now.

<Jesse Fforde> If I want her to understand, I have to share. I know this now. I can leave her like this, hating me and thinking I'm the biggest ******** that ever walked the Earth. Or I can open up, and I can share just the tiniest reason - one small glimpse at how my soul looks right now. It's not hard to see that she's upset. "You have to understand, Felicity. I thought you were gone. This distrust? I thought it's what you already felt, and that's why you were gone. I didn't think you were coming back. It's the same with the rest of them. They're not here. You all left. What else was I to think? I didn't stop caring. I thought you all had. So I... I tried to move on," I explain. "I was wrong. And I will make it up to you," I say. And I believe every word that I say, too.

<Felicity> Listening to Jesse I look at him carefully. "I believe you Jesse.. I do forgive you but I will need time to deal." I nod and take a few breaths. I don't know how much longer my control on my emotions will last. I can feel the tears beginning and I dont want that now. Not here, not with him. Looking away I run my hands over my face wiping away any evidence. I take another steadying breath before looking back to him. "I don't know what else to say."

<Jesse Fforde> I stand. She may not have anywhere else to go, but she can stay here. "I'm sorry," I say. And if she knows me at all, she'll know that I don't apologise often. Especially these days. "I'll leave you alone. Stay here as long as you need to," I say, as I pull the key out of my pocket and hand it to her. I have spare keys elsewhere. "The others visit, sometimes - Paige and Renee. Ursula, sometimes," how long has it been? Does she know about Axel's childer? "Axel's.. progeny," I clarify, just in case.

<Felicity> I nod taking the key. "Alright thank you." I say quietly I can feel the shakiness in my voice and I know soon I will loose my control. I know I have tears but there is nothing I can do at this moment about that.

<Jesse Fforde> I nod. I hesitate for just a moment longer - as if I have something else to say. But I don't. All the words clamour together in my head and none of them make any sense. So I leave Felicity there as I stride toward the front door. I don't look back as I walk out, closing it securely behind me. Within minutes she'll hear the bike roaring to live - the sound of it soon disappearing.

<Felicity> Watching him leave and the door close I can let myself loose it. The tears stream down and I cry. Curling up on the couch I wrap my arms around my knees. Anger would be next, right now I had a broken heart and felt every bit of it.