It is now the day after Christmas and I could not be in a happier mood. Last night was amazing and I can not even begin to explain how Robert has the ability to surprise me at every turn but gosh do I love his surprises. I will admit that he caused a bit of panic just to get me home (well to our secondary home since he is still helping out the local homeless) when he sent me a text. All he said that he he needed me and to hurry. Sadly with how this city is, I would not put it past any of them to attack him on Christmas day. For our enemies, it would be the best gift ever...for me it would be the worst. Anyway back to panic...I did not even respond to his text. I left the gallery after stopping to say hello to Ripper who had stopped by (which surprised me as he does not seem like the gallery type but it was nice to see him) and rushed to Solace. I think I might have waved to a few humans that I recognized but I can not even remember, I was too worried about him.
Let me tell you...it was just a ploy to get me to come home and it worked. I walked into our home only to walk into the most amazing sight ever. It was simply beautiful. Much like you would imagine from the details in 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe' unless you wanted to be lazy and just watch the movie. It was a delightful winter wonderland with trees and snow while everything being decorated at it's finest.
Robert Pratt: Robert got back from doing his rounds and seeing all he could. Some had gone better than expected, some not so well - but either way, it was all done and dusted and he was looking forward to this evening. He'd set up a tree and the whole place was decorated to within an inch of it's life. Everywhere sparkled with fake snow and ice. Fairy lights twinkled discretely from within and around the trees. It was like Narnia the moment you walked through the door into a snowy paradise where the cold air hung heavy with the scent of crisp pine and mulled wine. If you moved through the first room, the second one was a proper little cabin. Warm and cosey with a log fire, a big comfy sofa to sink into and the most perfect tree in the corner. The fairy on the top of the Christmas Tree sparkled a little more than it should as it had a purple diamond necklace around it's neck. While two of the branches also had a bit more glitz than usual - a matching purple diamond earring upon it's branches within a sugar bauble that needed to be broken open to be extracted. Everything was how he wanted it so he pulled out his phone and texted her with a grin. "My love, I need you. Could you please come to the Solace Apartment please? Hurry."
He even decorated our bedroom to look like a cabin with a fire going in the fireplace. It was all beautiful and cozy. Completely peaceful and just us. Any and all worry had left the minute I saw what he had done and how happy he was. Have I ever told you how amazing he looks when he smiles? Well he does. He even geniusly placed my gifts upon the christmas tree in the bedroom opposed to having them in tiny little packages. It was a cute game of Hide-n-Seek. The purple diamond necklace was resting upon the neck of the fairy as if it was part of the decorations while the lights on the tree bounced off of it brilliantly. The other gift was a little more of a game to find...I had to find an object that fit with the decorated theme while standing out just a little bit. He said I would know the moment I saw it and my eyes laid upon the sugar bauble, I knew that how he cleverly hid the matching purple diamond earrings. He knows me so well because purple is my favorite color and this beautiful set matches nearly everything I own. I will wear these each day with love and pride.
I was glad that I had planned ahead and had his gifts in my purse. I was able to give them to him without having to make him wait. Except for the television but then again as I stated before...I had that covered with a picture taken on his iPad. He loved his gifts. Which I am glad. Was a little concerned but one never knows until they actually give the gift. Besides...if he felt the need to take any of them back for something different, I would not have been upset but I would have paid attention to what he thought over and/or picked out for next time. It always pays to be observant. We concluded our evening by curling up in front of the fire together while forgetting anything that was going on outside or our door.
I will have to talk to you later. I need to go and pick out a few dresses as he just told me that we were invited to a New Years Eve party. I think it is a party thrown by one of our human regulars. Either way this will be absolutely fun! Though he seemed a little nervous about mentioning the party. He will be okay. I will just give him a kiss to try and calm his nerves before I find something to wear. It is just a party so there is nothing to be nervous about....right?
((sorry...still playing catch up with my journal so still back dating posts for a little bit. Here is the engagement rp that will lead into the next journal post.))
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 5:19:13 PM): He'd put on the watch that she'd given him for Christmas and he was currently looking at it as he waited for her on the street corner. He'd put on his best suit, brushed his hair and looked almost nervous as he looked around for her and once more checked the time.
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 5:24:56 PM): She had put on one of her best evening dresses and the diamond set that he had gotten her for Christmas. Her hair pulled up into an elegant updo and her 5" stilettos making her more closer to his height. She left the building to meet up with him. Smiling as she saw him standing there, looking stunning as always, she walked over to him and kissed his cheek. "Evening!"
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 5:58:55 PM): He smiled and wrapped his arms around her,kissing her properly by way of welcome. "Evening. You look absolutely stunning..... more so than usual. And I didn't think that was possible!" He chuckled a little and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, guiding her into a tall building and into the elevator with a smile. "Another year over and the next about to begin. Got any plans for the new year?"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 6:14:57 PM): His kiss was instantly welcomed as she kissed him in return. "Thank you, Robert. You look rather stunning yourself, though you do each day." She gave him a soft wink. Wrapping her arm around his waist as he guided her to the building and into the elevator. Curious as to what he had planned for the evening. "I have not sat down and made any definate plans outside of being with you as well as working at the gallery and Solace per usual. Do you have any plans or wishes?"
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 6:29:50 PM): He snorted softly and shook his head. "You're such a liar sometimes you know!" He smiled and gave her a squeeze. "One or two plans I think. We'll just have to wait and see if everything falls into place for them or not." A slight grin crept over his face but the doors opened and he guided her out and onto the roof to join a large party that was going on. Multiple humans all dancing, chatting, drinking and eating milled about under heat lamps and Christmas decorations. He weaved them through the masses to a corner where she could enjoy the view that looked out over the city and the wilderness, his hand caressing the small of her back as he did.
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 6:39:21 PM): She smirked up at him. "I am not! Besides...even if I was to plan anything, you change things up...surprising me each time you do. My plans are for the gallery. Maybe throw in a few events here and there but nothing too definite just yet." She listened to him and looked up at him with curiosity bold upon her face. "Oh? Care to share your possible plan or two with me?" As they exited the elevator, she smiled to each person that looked their way. Waving to a few that she recognized as she continued to make her way to the corner where he was guiding her. As they reached the edge, her breath was taken away by the view. It was amazing and she could spend hours up there. Resting into him as he caressed her back, she looked up at the stars that twinkled brightly in the night sky. "A view like this never ceases to amazing me."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 6:47:31 PM): He looked at her and nodded his head. "Yes, a view like you will never grow old to my eyes." He looked out over the city and smiled to himself. "You know, I would never have got this far if it weren't for you." Then the tune changed to a waltz and he grinned, stepping away from her and bowing while offering her his hand. "Would you care to dance Miss?"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 6:52:42 PM): As his words filtered into her ear and played upon her mind, she smiled up at him. "That is very sweet, Robert." She watched him look out over the city and tilted her head as he continued. "Why do you say that? I think you have done rather well for yourself and I honestly do not think that I had a hand in much of it. Look at Solace. You have done a fantastic job with it." The song changed and as he bowed before her, she laughed softly as she nodded her head. "I would love to."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 6:55:47 PM): He smiled and took her hand, leading her out onto the dance floor. Once they had a space to themselves he placed his right hand upon her hip and lifted his left and her right together and began to lead her expertly through the crowd in time to the music as if they were lighter than air. "No, you should take credit too. You've kept me strong and sane through some.... interesting times"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 7:00:22 PM): Carefully she followed behind him until they reached the dance floor. Placing her right hand in his left while her left hand rested upon his shoulder. She moved perfectly with him across the floor, her eyes connected to his as if they were the only people in the room, though she knew that was not the case. They floated perfectly through the waltz. Nodding her head lightly to his words. "True but I would have done so even if we were merely friends. Everyone deserves at least one person in their life that they can count on."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 7:08:29 PM): "I'm sure you would have done, just makes you all the more special is all." He smiled as they danced, not leaving the dance floor or breaking stride as the music changed from one dance to the next. He just continued to lead her on, always onwards to the next and always with a loving smile and his eyes locked on hers for what seemed like hours upon hours, locked in their own little world of chatter and each other.
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 7:21:13 PM): "Thank you, Robert." Her eyes never left his nor did she worry about stepping on his feet. She followed gracefully where he led across the floor, easily adjusting to the music as it changed to the next. His smile was absolutely stunning and god did she love seeing it. It made it all the more stunning and amazing. With a new change of music, she continued to follow as the world seemingly vanished around them. She loved him and she would go anywhere he went.
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 7:32:57 PM): He stopped dancing after what seemed like an age and weaved their way back to the corner of the rooftop as everyone excitedly came together in their little groups, readying for the countdown. His left arm was bent at the elbow with her arm through his, his right hand was in his pocket as they walked. He cleared his throat and lifted his right hand up to his mouth as he coughed. He smiled at her and held her hands, facing her and looking into her eyes as the countdown began. "Here we go. Into the New Year.... 10, 9, 8, 7, 6....."
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 7:40:13 PM): She was brought back to reality as the music slowed to a stop and he was guiding her off the dance floor, back to their little corner of the world. Smiling at everyone around them as they passed. Once in their corner, she looked up at him and perked her brow as he cleared his throat and coughed before he took hold of her hands. Was it possible for them to get colds. He seemed fine just after that, maybe it was just a tickle that lingered in his throat. Wiggling her brows with excitement of the new year and starting it off with him. It was perfect. Her eyes met his and excitedly she counted along with him. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6...."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 7:53:00 PM): His tongue ran over the metal of the ring he'd slipped into his mouth when he'd coughed. He could feel the nerves building up in the bottom of his stomach and his feet shuffled anxiously as the countdown continued. "5, 4, 3...." His hands squeezed hers as his eyes twinkled, the nerves building to almost breaking point. "2, 1..... HAPPY NEW YEAR!" He leant in and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her passionately and drawing her to him. As he felt her mouth open in acceptance of his kiss, he flicked his tongue into his cheek and pulled out the ring and pressed it onto her tongue before drawing back from her nervously, never letting his hands drop from hers.
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 8:05:29 PM): The light bounced off him in just a way that he looked as if he was glowing but she could feel the nervousness building in him which made her slightly anxious though she didn't know as to why he felt this way. She gave him a reassuring look as she continued to count with him. "5, 4, 3..." She smiled brightly at him as he squeezed her hands and she caught the brilliant twinkle in his eyes. This was definately going to be an amazing year. "2, 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" The moment he leaned in and his lips pressed to hers, she instantly kissed him. Leaning into him as he drew her close, she began to kiss him all the more passionately. She stood up straighter when suddenly she felt a metal ring upon her tongue and he pulled back. Perking her brow as she carefully pulled the ring from her mouth. She looked at it for a moment before her eyes drifted back to his, full of surprise and love. "Robert?"
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 8:15:41 PM): His hand still held one of hers and his other hand moved to clasp her one with the two of his. He smiled as he dropped down to one knee - which was obviously the signal to someone, because all the main lights went out and left them all in just the warm glow of the fairy lights and the stars and moon from above. Once more he coughed, though this time it was real, to clear his throat as he looked up at her and everyone turned around to watch the couple in the corner and he felt his nerves grow and grow. "Lizzie. I want you to be happy, I want to be with you - when we're apart I wonder how you are and if you're ok. I'm nothing without you really. I know I'm not good enough for you and I'm far from perfect. But if you accept me then I will try every night to be the man you deserve. If you can accept me, then you would make a man the happiest he's ever been if you would accept this proposal of marriage....."
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 8:25:52 PM): Her eyes searched his though there was a smile upon her face that could light up the room. As he dropped down to one knee and the lights went out, she looked around for a moment, slightly nervous now that everyone was looking at them. She took a deep breath as she pushed everyone out and looked solely at him. Her eyes grew in love and wonder as he began to speak. Hanging on each word as if it were gold, holding them tightly to her. With the soft glow of the fairy lights, she looked down at him and thought that she could love no one like she loved him. When he finished the tiny speech that he had prepared, she nodded her head in agreement. "I accept. I love you, Robert so yes, absolutely from the bottom of my heart...I accept. I feel that you are more than enough for me, please do not discredit yourself. I want you to be happy, safe, and well. I will do everything in my power...everything humanly possible give you all of that and more."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 8:30:32 PM): His smile broke across his face as she said yes in a really formal way. He didn't care though - it was a yes. He stood up and beamed all over her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her quickly before he took the ring and placed it on her left ring finger and held her hand. He chuckled and picked her up, swinging her around as everyone at the party clapped and congratulated them. However he only had eyes and ears for her.
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 8:36:35 PM): She couldn't help but giggle as she watched the smile move across his face and she could see the relief wash over him. She made him happy and he wanted more out of their relationship. She hadn't expected it so soon but never would she have pushed him away. As he stood up, she happily embraced him and kissed him lovingly. Biting her lower lip as he pulled away and slipped the ring on her finger. Laughing brightly as he swung her around and relaxed into him before blushing at the attention they were getting. Tilting her head to look up at him, she kissed him softly. "I love you, Robert. Now and always."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 8:40:31 PM): He kissed her back and held her face. "I love you too, Lizzie. I know it's kind of soon for this..... but it just felt right. It is.... it is what you want right?"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 8:42:49 PM): "It is never too soon if it is the perfect time." She smiled up at him as he began to question and nodded her head. "Robert, I want nothing more than to share my life with you for as long as we live. Though more importantly...is this what you want?"
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 8:47:18 PM): His grin returned as he nodded his head. "Of course it's what I want. Otherwise - I wouldn't have done all of this...." He turned and looked out at the city as people set off fireworks to welcome in the New Year and he smiled, his arm around her shoulders drawing her to him. "This year is going to be amazing!"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 8:54:32 PM): She relaxed and smiled up at him. "I am more than glad that you feel that way." She pressed into him and kissed him softly before looking out over the city. The fireworks lit up the sky. Splashes of color shown brightly as she nodded her head to his statement. "I could not agree more. It already started off with a bang."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 9:04:49 PM): "Yus!" He leant in and kissed her again softly, his hand teasing over her lower back. He took her left hand and played with the ring on her finger with a happy smile. "You like it? It's ok?"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 9:11:56 PM): She smiled as he agreed, kissing him as his lips pressed to her own. She nipped playfully at his lip before she looked down at the ring and beamed. "I love it. It is perfect and it matches what you got me for christmas which is even better. I love you! Thank you so much."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 9:15:35 PM): "You're worth everything" He smiled and caressed her cheek looking around as the party was beginning to break up. "So, I guess you'll be wanting to get in touch with people and tell them what's what and all?"
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 9:18:31 PM): She leaned into him hand as he caressed her cheek. Her eyes drifted to where he was looking and noticed everyone leaving. As he began to speak to her again, she looked up at him and nodded. "Yes but maybe we should tell people together. Either way...you have me for the night, no matter what."
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 9:20:24 PM): "In that case - we're going home then. Because I don't think that ring is looking it's best here. That dress is detracting from it. I think it will look a lot better on the floor so the ring can shine by itself....."
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 9:24:46 PM): She listened to his words and smirked as she nodded her head. "I think you might actually be right about that but there is only one way to find out." She laughed softly as she took his hand and began to lead him towards the elevator.
Robert Pratt (12/27/2012 9:26:31 PM): He took her hand and more than happily followed along, his other hand grabbing her *** and smirking. "I look forward to the fashion show then....."
Elizabeth Llewellyn-Croft (12/27/2012 9:31:14 PM): She giggled brightly as he grabbed her ***. Wagging her brows as she looked up at him. "Good and I hope you like it as I would really hate to disappoint." She mused playfully.
I had an amazing time at the New Year's Eve party. It was held on the rooftop and the view was absolutely stunning. There were party favours, drinks, food, dancing....everything that a person could imagine at a party. Those in attendance were mostly human but friends of Robert's as well as some of them sponsors of Solace. It was fancy and fun. You should have seen Robert in his suit. Very James Bond. I loved it! Though...You will not believe what happened last night! Brace yourself for this one.... HE PROPOSED! Did the whole down on one knee and everything. Maggie, it was so romantic. The only lighting at the time were the stars, the moon, and the fairy lights that decorated the rooftop. He was clever though...slipped the ring in his mouth and passed it off as he kissed me to ring in the New Year. Surprises! He always surprises me and I love him more and more each day. So I happily said...YES!
Now to figure out how to tell everyone.
I think I will let Robert handle Madison though if he wanted me with him for that then I would be more than happy to tag along but I think it is not going to be one of those happy, pleasant moments when he tells her.
Then there is Serendipity. I think she might be okay with it but given the talk that I just had with her the other day when I went to see her given I finally got proof of Robert's claims as to why he was removed from VeL...that might be tricky but Robert said he would go. He just looks uneasy about it but I am not sure why. I am pretty sure that Aure will be happy about the engagement as he seems to get along well with Robert. Maybe he can help me with Serendipity or we might get shot if she loses her temper.
Pi and the d'Artois...well I am not sure how that will go. I only really know Pi and even then I do not know her that well. I think she is sweet though and a great person. I wonder if Robert would be mad if I got a third job outside of Solace and the Gallery. Maybe I can work at the Necro and get to know Pi a little better or maybe I could just simply invite her out for an evening for anything of her choosing. She has all men in her family from what I can see of her sired childer. Maybe he would like some "girl" time. We will have to see.
Right now I have to go. Need to run to the Gallery to finish a few details for the Dalí exhibit since that opens tomorrow and runs for the next few months. Then I have some paperwork that I need to take care of in my office at Solace as I got a little behind with purchasing the Gallery. I need to get caught up so I can make Robert's job a thousand times easier because Maggie...you have not seen the piles of paper on his desk alone. I can only imagine what my desk looks like since I have hardly been there. I feel terrible but today is catch up day and all will be right as rain.
It is the night of the 6th and I am home alone with Kaleidoscope and Noah. Molly is off spending personal time with her friends and staying at my beta apartment. Though you might wonder why I am alone? Why my fiancee is not here with me? And what might be keeping him that he would not come home to his future bride? Well let me break this down for you to one simple word...Serendipity.
Remember when I told you that I was not sure how she would take to hearing about the engagement and that Robert seemed a little uneasy about being with me when I told her. Well...I was spot on about Robert's uneasiness as Serendipity did not take the news well at all. Her and Robert have still been fighting while secrets had been kept. Apparently the big news of the evening was him threatening her to break up with me to keep me safe if she ran off to hit Sophia, knowing that the Docere would turn around and kill her. He was trying to keep her from the shadow realm. Apparently this was a bluff and one that worked but that was only part of it. She got extremely angry and I am surprised that she didn't shoot anyone but then again...I do not remember seeing her gun near by. They went back and forth for a while before she removed herself to the kitchen and he used his tome to vanish. Both angry and I felt completely helpless.
I will give it the night and let them work out their thoughts. I just hope that he is somewhere safe. I am going to try to sleep and hope for a better tomorrow. Though that I did state on the Croft Crownet about how I feel for Robert and our engagement. If anyone else in the family was going to have an issue...I kind of do not want to hear it. At least not right now.
So today got off to a rocky start. Honestly, I was giving Robert his space until I noticed he had a damn bounty and then he was going back and forth with the vultures on the Crownet. It is amazing how easy it is for him to get under the skin of so many just by saying a few simple words. Oh and the proof that they have the inability to have an open mind to look at the big picture. Priceless! Well I said a few words and of course to them I am only speaking up because they were going at Robert which simply was not the case. I was pointing out bold honest truths that they all failed to pay attention to. Again...proof of their inability to have an open mind. Makes me want to laugh really. Oh well.
Robert finally got his bounty under control only to then summon a spirit and it shot back up again. I was so frustrated because him and Aure both were all glad that he fell off the list only for him to be right back on it mere seconds later. I pleaded with him to let me summon him. When I finally won, I summoned Aure so that he could drop zombies for Robert. This was a huge help until Molly walked into the horde to feed Robert. Oh she was not happy with me so trust me, I made up for it...she is currently on vacation in the Bahamas. It was the most I could to at that particular moment in time. Robert even called Pi over to summon some more zombies so it was perfect! Once they were all gone, Robert would be off the list and all worry of the vultures knocking on our door gone.
After Aure and Pi left, I sat and talked with Robert. Things are back to normal which is good. I hate when he is upset and last night her was not just upset...he was angry. I felt terrible because it was my fault...I wanted him to go with me to tell Serendipity. I am not worried now though...all is right in the world.
After a while he sent me down to the Sanctuary to help out with the works, do a few things that needed to get done, and answer the buzzer at the door. He would have happily done so but a hunter shot him in the leg this evening so he was unable to. Not that I mind because I was able to get a few things done that I needed to do in my office. The employees at the Gallery knew that I would not be in but knew they could reach me on my cell if needed. They know what needed to be done.
Oh! Get this...while I was on the main floor of Solace helping the volunteers as well as some of those that we are taking care of right now...Serendipity slipped in and up to our place. I am not exactly sure what happened. If they were talking or fighting again but she broke his leg. I walked in to see the aftermath. Same leg he was shot in as well. Today was just not his day, I am telling you. They continued to talk things over, worked out, explained to me, and when I thought that everything was okay...Serendipity walked into the horde of zombies like Molly did when she was trying to find the bathroom. Maggie...it was terrible. I think next time, I am going to put up a sign or a shield or something to warn people. I did call Aure to let him know and he came to take Serendipity home.
Robert told me that I needed to call into the gallery because I was taking a week off from work. You know what...I did just that. I want to be able to take care of him, tend to his wound, and help him relax...all the while keeping him company. Speaking of...I think I am going to stop here for now so I can check his wounds.
I know that it has been ages since I have written but to be honest...there had been so much going on and several deaths that I needed to locate you out of the many places that I have hidden you. I found you at West which is probably why I haven't been able to locate you because I hadn't really been there other than to lock up your weapon counter-part along with my wedding and engagement ring from Robert. That's a long and painful story that I'm not going to get into right now. Just know that Lux has been my support with Serendipity. It hasn't been a fun or easy road.
Oh well...on with my future. The children. They really are what I have left and they have been an amazing blessing. I have been staying with them at night or at least a few nights a week because I can't slack at the gallery but the staff has been great. Robert is only involved because of Solace Holdings who is partnered with me for funding. The funding helps me get the kids the best education, health care, clothing, and place to live as possible. They really don't go without and I am there as a mother figure as well as the other staff. It's been amazing. I read them bedtime stories and sing them to sleep.
There are some really talented kids and thought that maybe I would have a whole special exhibit at the art gallery, showcasing their work. They truly deserve it. I am even working on organizing the holiday party for them like I did last year. They loved it so much that I plan to make that an annual event. Maybe I will even get city supporters for prizes and special gift giveaways for them. That would be amazing. Might do something for halloween but I have some toddlers that have come to join us. Maybe the older kids could take some of them for to Trick-or-Treat as there are some teenagers but I will gladly stays with the little ones. Put them in cute little outfits and take pictures before playing Hide-n-seek or Peekaboo.
They truly are the light in my life other than Lux and Solace. They prove that life isn't always so bad and terrible. I just have to take things one day at a time and not let the little things bother me. That will take a lot of work but Lux have nightly chit chats so I am doing great. She guides me every step of the way now and I want to do nothing but serve her.
I will try and talk with you more later. I have a few emails to send out to the board members of the gallery and it's arts and crafts night at the orphanage before I tuck them in and read to them.
So this has been a week of renewal it seems. I have been working on a few things that will help me and to get me back on track. Things are slowly falling into place to where I might...just might...be able to slip out of the captivity that I have placed myself in. I have bought two new homes on top of the crypt for Molly and I. We need places that are safe and unknown to people though I know that it won't stay a secret for long. Nothing ever does. At least not in this city.
Plans for the holiday event for the children have been ready to go and the christmas tree is up in the middle of the art gallery like it was last year. I still need to get their presents but I think a trip to New York City is in order. Maybe I should ask Robert to go. It would be nice to spend some time with him and he has a big involvement in the orphanage as well. It would be wrong if I left him out of all of it. We took in a few more kids this week. It really is sad given they lost their parents just before the holidays. My heart hurts for them but they are just toddlers so I am not even sure how much they will remember. I will try and make it the best that I can for them. Tomorrow I am going over to start decorating and the older kids plan on helping. It will be something fun for them to do.
Oh...today, I went and got my hair done, it is now short and back to my natural red. The Salon seemed to be pretty busy today but that makes sense with holiday pictures coming up. I sort of miss that given the family used to dress up in ball gowns or suits, wear our crowns and tiaras and put on our brightest smiles to hang over the fire place every year until it was time to get new pictures done. That was fun and I have my tiara hiding in the West Tower home...well a couple as one is a headband type and the the traditional one. Maybe I should sell them... I have not decided yet but glad that no one has found them yet...I would probably get made fun of, with that being the only things that I kept from my past life other than a few jewelry trinkets (that I tend to give as gifts anyway). I get mocked enough as it is that I even said that I was a princess. No...I know...I will give them to Serendipity to decide. I know that she needs the money or maybe make a one of a kind trap with them. She is pretty crafty.
I'm going to go for now. Need to take care of a few things before I sleep and head to the orphanage.
I lost myself in fear of losing you
I wish I didn't do
But I did
I lost my own, my own identity
Forgot that you picked me for me
But now, I don't negotiate with insecurities
They always seem to get the best of me
I found I had to love myself, the way I wanted you to...
...love me,
No more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one defining who I'm gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Sometimes I wish my skin was a costume
That I could just unzip
And strip
But who I am is who I'm meant to be
And it's who you are in love, in love with
So now, I don't negotiate with insecurities
They're gonna have to take a back seat
I know I have to love myself, the way I want you to...
...love me,
No more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one defining who I'm gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
[2x]
No more standing in my own way
Let's go deeper, let's get closer
No more standing in my own way
(I want you to love me)
No more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one defining who I'm gonna be
No concealing my feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
No more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one defining who I'm gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Dear Maggie,
You know that there is the one person in your life that means more than anything else? That one person that catches your attention and never lets go. The one person that you would do anything with and for because you are that insanely happy that nothing else matters. I had that and lost that. The amount of crazy he had to deal with was more than he ever had to take and then there was the one epic **** up that happened that sealed my fate. I try to not think about him, no matter how much I really cannot help it. I made promises that I swore that I would keep and I have. No one will ever get close enough to touch me unless it's a child for a comforting hug because let's face it....they just know when you need one or to kill me. He will be the last person to "touch" me in anyway that is affectionate or more.
Do I miss him?
I miss him so damn much that it bloody well hurts but what am I supposed to do, pop up and act like nothing ever happened? One would think 'no' but I understand now, sadly it took a song for me to realize though I had been snapped back to "myself" after this last death from Tytonidae. There is that line "I lost myself in fear of losing you" is completely true. With all the deaths and my own haunting thoughts...I had several personalities. I can see how that would be harmful to any relationship. There are still a few things that need to be worked out but the song says it all and I have been listening to it non-stop and on repeat. To say that I do not have the song bloody memorized by now would be lying to anyone that asked. The tune is catchy too but sadly...you are a physical journal...I cannot just insert a youtube link and it work. I want everything to be normal but that would be co-dependency. I just know that I cannot be the woman he loved or wants to love while trying to be the woman that I think he would rather love. If that was the case, he never would have been with me to begin with. No...he would have found one that fit exactly what I imagined if that was what he wanted but he was with me until I screwed it up.
Is it going to be a hard and tough road?
Absolutely but I know what I need to do. Outside of the children, I have to come first. I cannot sit and pretend to myself that I do not exist and that I do not matter because if that was the case then I would not be here at all. I do good things, I have a good mind, and I have compassion. There is so much left to do and even though I have an eternity to live, does not mean that I get slack off and procrastinate at my work. Also if I want him back...I have to let him go.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. - Unknown
That is exactly what I am going to do. He and Serendipity want me to get better and I will. I have done well so far but that is with a lot of prayer and meditation. Lux has been my rock...visiting me in my dreams, talking with me in the Vathiá. Her words of love and inspiration are a strength and comfort. I reaffirm my commitment to her and Solace each day. I am in good hands and everything will be just fine. Robert and Serendipity will see a perfectly well me...one that is better and happy while privately Lux and I sort out the remaining issues. A smile can be the greatest lie if done the right way. I do not want them to worry anymore.
We did have a good day today though. I thought I should tell you that because Robert did come by the orphanage to help with decorations. He did forget to pretend to eat a cookie for the girls but he never did promise them that he would try one or take one for the road so the girls were just excited to see him and help with the tree and snack time before bed. He did take me to pick out a tree because I forgot to order one. It was interesting to learn what to look for but I will let you in on a secret...I see why I order them now. I was far too picky. Though Robert wouldn't let me pay so when he left, I snuck 10 grand into his bank account. I also threw my first snowball. Completely spontaneous but I did and it was fun but I ran into the cafe thinking that I would be safe. Nope! He totally got me back, dropping snow down my bloody sweater. Tricky!! It was freezing but warmed up with some tea. I genuinely had a wonderful day...at least until he left but hey...we are not a couple and that is the harsh reality. I made a mistake and I have to deal with that. I will be okay though. I know I will be.
Oh! Rocklin is back again. I am not sure for how long. I know him and Robert do not get along but he is still family. He had only stopped by to see how I was doing and then he suddenly vanished but even for a moment...it was good to see him again. He has always been nice and caring with me. Though I wonder if it would be a benefit to talk with about turning off my emotions? Probably not...it would make me...not "me" again and that would be terrible. We will just scratch that one off...that was a bad thought.
I am going to go for now. I used several of your pages so if you were real...I would have literally talked your ear off and this is only one-sided...I could only imagine if you could talk back...we would be sitting here for hours. Though it would be nice to have someone to talk to... Oh well...no big...
I have gotten through the holidays, my non-existent 1 year anniversary of both the proposal and my failed marriage. I have remained celibate since the shite hit the fan because of my **** up and I am 99.9% sure that is how it will remain. I am the spinster of Harper Rock. I know this and I know that this will never change. Do I miss having someone to talk to and share my thoughts with? Of course I do. I have Molly but it is not the same though she is doing really well in graduate school. The orphanage is doing very well. Some of the children have been adopted, I have also offered the families the information about their new child's school and offered to help with their education if they wanted to remain in that particular institution. All of the children have good grades with a few struggling in some subjects but I have tutors that come by the house everyday of the week to help with their homework. They will succeed.
Molly and I are taking care of this beautiful ginger haired little girl that reminds me of me when I was small. Her name is Chelsea Addyson. Both of our names are on the adoption certificate given my issues with staying awake during the day. As far as the government knows, I work late nights with the businesses as well as having the great reputation that I have with the orphanage. They did not as many questions which was helpful. Molly loves her to pieces and it is fun to just sit back and watch her. I robbed her of her life because I accidentally enthralled her but I can help her make the most of it while giving her as much freedom as I possibly can. She in fact just got back last month when Chelsesa came to the orphanage. I will tape in a picture of her in here for you.
Oh I did not tell you that I ran into Robert at Solace. I had thought he was out and I went to get caught up on work. When I was finished, I decided to go for a swim and well....yeah...that is where I ran into him. That was more than interesting and yep, as much as I do not want us to be through...the kiss told me all I needed to know. Maybe I should have been up his arse while still being a nuttier, maybe he would have wanted that instead of me taking the time to get back to myself...to be the person he really wanted. A sane Lizzie...how dull and definitely not something this city is used to. It is okay...I will take my 600 boxes of ammo and just work on my training, shooting all that gets in my way in the Cats.
I should stop for a bit...I have payroll to pay and I need to figure out all the extra hours that this new guy is working. He rarely leaves unless it's for a change of clothes...maybe a shower but there has been a time or two where he has taken a shower at the orphanage. I am not sure what is going on and he looks at me funny? Did I attack him two years ago before I entering into Solace? I hope not because then I would worry about the children but he seems to be really good with them. Maybe I have something on my face but it is not like I can actually see it. The image in the mirror is what my mind projects to see so if there is something on my face, I would never know. Maybe I will have to wash my face more often or ask Molly if anything is there. It is strange. I will keep my distance from him and definitely put a lock on my room door during the day. Maybe he is a paladin who wants to do charity work and knows what I am even though my skin looks healthy and I do not have fangs...they have those creepy powers that just know and do not care if I live like a human. Ugh...I will stop by Serendipity's to talk with her. I clearly need advice because I am probably sure that I am going to have to fire him.
"Just Give Me A Reason"
By: Pink (feat. Nate Ruess)
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Okay Maggie....
A lot has happened and well...the guy that I told you about in the last entry...it is just a meaningless crush. He knows now that I am really not worth wasting his time on and has focused his complete attention on the children. He has done fantastic with them and the children love him so I am glad that I stuck it out with him working at the orphanage instead of firing him because I was paranoid.
Now the shock of the month...
Last week I found out that Robert and Serendipity have been sleeping together. For how long?? I do not have a clue but at the same time, I really do not want to know because it is only going to want to make me want to shoot them more. Yes, I said shoot. Robert told me himself. The pair had been lying to me and fooling around behind my back. My own sire and my ex-husband who I have desperately been trying to get back with. A huge waste of my time. Though on the plus side....Robert got to see first hand that I am back to my old self that he loved so much when the bullet hit him square in the neck. I did not blink or skip a beat. Yes, I was sad but I also have been very angry. I can reassure you though that Robert is not the only one that has been punished. Serendipity has been as well. I shot her up pretty good and I walked away. I walked away completely because I went to Zodiac and had her do the ritual that would sever the bond between Serendipity and myself. If she wants to be like Isabella, then fine but I want no part in it. She can steal and sleep with my companions or even former companions out of spite but Robert is the last.
Pink has this song on her new album. I listened to it when I came back from the Realm of Shadows from when Gambat and Robert killed me. It gave me hope for our relationship but since that bridge has burned, the song can burn with it. Only problem...the damn neighbor keeps playing it non-stop. I have pounded on the wall to get them to stop and yet...they play it again but louder than before. It is really getting on my nerves. I want to shoot their stereo just to make it stop. That would not be appropriate so I will just leave it be but maybe ear plugs and a mindblock will be in order.
Oh! I sired someone. I know that I would never sire anyone but it was Stefan. I should have told you about him but he is like Molly but a guy. No, he is not enthralled by me just one of my best friends. He had gotten mugged pretty bad and was about to die. I had to do what I could to save him and well...turning was it. I feel bad about it but he seems to be taking to this life pretty well. It was interesting though...I gave him the one thing that he kept asking for and when he got it...he was sort of scared and excited. I wonder if I was ever like this but I do not remember exactly. I know it is there, just locked away somewhere. I am a telepath...I do not forget. It is not important though.
Stefan has been working hard, seems that the fates granted him the path of a Telepath. He is also great with Chelsea and has shown a lot of restraint. He wants to be like me...live as close to being a human as possible while still continuing to help out. He is great. He is part of Solace to help those in need, helps at the gallery and the orphanage while working on his own skills to keep him strong. I am working on meditations with him to try and calm the voices in his head. I remember what it was like and how much Robert had to help keep me calm. I do not rely on that anymore but I do rely on Lux...she is the only one that I can depend on.
I got to get going but I will talk to you more later.
