just keep breathing

[Jersey]

Day 1

I don’t remember much about coming here. The doctor that treated me at the hospital says that the bus I had been on crashed due to some animal in the road. When the driver had slammed on his brakes, the bus skidded into a tree; my head connected hard enough with the window to knock me unconscious – and break the window causing a cut deep enough to require stitches on my eyebrow. I feel like I got hit by a train though. I haven’t been eating, either. Anytime they bring me something from the cafeteria I kind of just stare at them if there’s some kind of meat on the plate. I like salads and yogurt though – according to the nurse.

---

Day 3

Food has its issues staying down sometimes, especially when they urge me to eat meat. I don’t like the taste of it or the concept. They said something about being a vegetarian because of it. Ovo-lacto? I think that was a part of it too. Oh well. I’ve learned that I really like chocolate milkshakes, by the way. Perfect sweetness ever.

---

Day 5

They’ve said that I’m not that bad when it comes to recalling skills – obviously I can write well enough. It’s mainly who I am, where I’m from, family, yada yada that I don’t remember. My speech has its moments, but the woman working with me says that it’s common. Their names and faces confuse me a lot. I try to avoid saying them, really. One of the nurses keeps repeating hers slowly, as if that were going to help.

---

Day 10

I hate needles. Well. I don’t hate them entirely, I like my tattoo on my shoulder, but it’s probably that I hate needles I don’t particularly want in my skin. I don’t think that makes any sense. Memory is still not coming back to me, it sucks but hey, what can I do? They’re talking about keeping me here until I can remember who I am. I don’t like this hospital. There was some guy screaming about vampires attacking him the other day... He sounded ******* insane.

---

Day 15

Alright. Well. I told a lie. Or well, it was a pretty O.K. situation to lie about considering they were trying to get me to sign my life – okay, so maybe not my life – time away to this hospital if I didn’t remember something about myself. I found a bus ticket (granted the name was worn off as if I’d kept pulling it out to look at it, rubbed my thumb against it a few times and put it back) in my bag from New Jersey while they weren’t around. So, I told them my name was Jersey Thompson. It surprised me that they believed me. I signed myself out of the hospital, though. I have $75 to my name (whatever it really is) until I figure something out.

[Jersey]

2/24/14

Yeah. The inhabitants of this city are insane. I feel like I walked out of a hospital into a horror film. People even talk about zombies, vampire and paladin everywhere. I found some – not a great – source of income, and due to the 5th I’m not going to write about it, but I’m staying in a hotel for the time being. I’ve been “educating” myself about the past via television and so far I can think of is how this is all nuts. Nothing seems to be triggering any memory, though, either.

A woman at the hospital said that it could be a blessing in disguise. Anything I did in the past that I’m not proud of, I can’t remember and so I’m not accountable to it, according to her. Then again, she was pretty much high off her meds.

Every now and then, I feel like I was hit by a train when it comes to pain and dizziness. The other day, I was grabbed by a police officer when getting off the transit because I nearly face planted into the sewers after puking all over his shoes. He was kind enough not to escort me to the hospital (although he tried to and stressed that I should visit them), but made sure I sat down for a few moments especially when he noticed the stitches above my eyebrow. What I dislike the most, though, are the headaches that I can get. Sometimes they’re just as bad as migraines and can leave me in bed all day.

---

Grocery List
Zucchini
Scallops
Cream cheese
Ricotta
Lettuce
Portobello Mushrooms
Orange Juice
Milk – Whole
Silk – Vanilla
Special K

---

I think I used to cook a lot somewhere, because I like to. I found a book of recipes in my handwriting naming off some food items I have no clue where to get them or where I could find them.

[Jersey]

Early 2/15/2014

I met someone last night after I went for a walk - shall I now add insomnia to what plagues me? A really nice (or so he seemed to be) Professor from the University named Peter. He had five dogs with him, all his:

Jack and Ellie - The smaller dogs.
KD - I think she's a collie?
Hunter - This dog is huge, wow!
Lady - The husky, I saw one on TV

They're all cute. He offered to let me walk them during the day while he was at work, and I accepted - some income is better than none, and his dogs seemed well trained so I know I probably won't end up on my *** 99% of the time. I think it's gonna be pretty fun! I found an iPod in my bag, I don't think my

---

---

Songs Needed to Download:
Jersey - Mayday Parade (love it)
Broken - Lifehouse (so sad, but the feels fit sometimes)
Timber - Pitbull (is that really this dude's name?)

---

Symptom Check:

Confusion
Insomnia
Memory Loss - still unchanging, doubt it will
Headache - caffeine helps, maybe its withdraw at times?
Nausea
Coordination
Bright lights - this one is new and happens if I'm in the sun for too long. It gives me a headache/makes one worse.

---

---

I went to the bank today to make a deposit and overheard some woman mention a man named Killian, and then another say "Hey sexy". I'm afraid I've stumbled upon a nesting ground of hookers and their pimp/regular john, so I'm likely going to go look for a less busy area for now on. Another was rubbing her neck though. I seriously think this city is full of mentally ill weirdos.

Maybe I'll ask Peter eventually if he's seen anything strange here.

[Jersey]

2/26/14

Overheard more conversations today, apparently the city has a quarantined area for some reason. A man I talked to said it has to do with some government conspiracy. I thought it'd be rude to just end the conversation there, so I smiled and sat through his ramblings. He was kind of old though, a silver-fox type, so at least he has that going for him. If he wasn't clearly paranoid he would have actually been kind of attractive.

Oh god. Did I have daddy issues?

Do I have daddy issues?

Someone shoot me.

Oh wait. A cop did that already. Well, I don't know if she was shooting at me, I was in group of people but she clipped my jacket sleeve. I didn't wait to stick around, I ran to the transit and until I started getting dizzy, sat down and cried a bit. This place is insane and I can't even go home.

I don't know where the hell it is.

Right now, I just have my hotel room and walking Peter's dogs.

Okay, so maybe that's not entirely true. I have a job now at a shop named Peppermint that focuses on organic beauty skin care type stuff. It kind of made me smile to see something like that. Hopefully I'll be able to save up fast enough to get an apartment or something. It'd probably make my life about 50 times easier and probably would help out my bank account.

Some dick with a knife mugged me today and took $15. It was part of the reason I was crying earlier.

[Jersey]

2/26 - Continued

I'm back, had another sob session. I'm kind of emotional today and it sucks, but I feel a lot better now. I think it has to do something with everything that's going on. Cooking helped, too. It's a comfort knowing I can still do things that I used to, and from my book, I can tell it's something I used to pride myself in heavily. I made a chili tonight that had was on a worn page, that tells me I made it a lot back then.

Still no change in memories.

It's kind of strange, really. It's like I'm looking in on a stranger's life when I go through pictures, read the recipe book and sometimes even when I look in the mirror. I suppose before I lost my memory I preferred my roots to not show because the pictures show it otherwise - they're dark and I haven't bothered to redye it. I like the way it looks, really. I wear a hat often enough that no one can tell anyway.

My eyebrow is still open, but it's healing now. Sometime in the past few days I tore a stitch which hurt like hell, so I had to go back to the damn hospital today to get them to put another in before dinner. This time, I cut a smaller patch of gauze and taped it down, so it's not an eyesore over my forehead.

Speaking of injuries, the cop didn't miss. I just hadn't noticed it yet and didn't until I got back to the hotel. Now it's a constant throbbing and hurts like hell. I don't think this day can get any worse.

---

I spoke too soon. The heater stopped working. Three more blankets it is.

[Jersey]

2/27/2014

Some chick just screamed about someone trying to eat her and being a vampire. It's official, I'm going to start buying bottled water. I'm too afraid to drink from the sink until I know for sure it's not going to turn me nuts.

[Jersey]

28 Feb. 2014

Either the water got to me or I'm officially going nuts. There was this... thing. It stared at me, didn't look human or animal - I had seen the mountain lions and the other thingies, this was neither. I'm scared. I ran back to my hotel and drank the bottle of whiskey I bought not too long ago.

But, I know I saw it.

And it vanished into thin air.

[Jersey]

1 March, 2014

Spent most of the day (and quite a bit of the night) freaking about the monster thing that faded into thin air. I asked/told Peter about it and he told me that he didn't think that I was crazy, which in all reality, he had every right to think so. I mean, hell. I'm pretty sure if the situation had been reversed, I'd be at least somewhat concerned for his mental health. But then again, he said that he'd seen things in this city and experienced them that weren't exactly normal, weird being the word he used.

I told him tonight that I was starting to get scared, too. He didn't particularly help remedy everything, but I could tell he was at least trying. Though, he's got my nerves on edge a bit when it comes to the fact he asked me not to walk around at night alone any more and stick to crowded places. He won't tell me why though, but... he knows something. I can feel it, see it when he goes from calm to this paranoid man. He snapped at me tonight after I called him interesting, too.

I wanted to slap him, didn't though and he apologized.

After a while, we got up and looked for books, ended up talking about whatever made him a bit hostile again so I asked him if he'd like to go somewhere private. Back in my apartment, he looked as if he were a less likely to jump out of his skin.

Some of the things confused me:

• He shouldn't be there, with me, but he was. - Why shouldn't he be there, though? He said he wants to be.
• He looked as if I'd just asked him to kill his mother when I asked him if he wanted anything. - His reason (not wanting to take anything from me) was full of crap, but still. It confused me.
• I'm one of the good things - We said it mutually, that we thought we were good things to each other and then he jumped up and started to leave once more.

One moment he's calm and relaxed, the second it's almost as if he's afraid to get close to me which... actually sucks because I really like him - I think I do. He's funny, and charming, and he cares. He's attractive, too, despite the fact his eyebrows do kind of look like fuzzy caterpillars. And I feel safe when he's around, even if he does panic from time to time.

And my last bit just looked as if I were a gushing teenager. What the hell is this man doing to me?

I'm scared, I'm happy. I'm confused.

My eyebrow finally doesn't look that horrible. It's healing, stitches should be able to come out within a day or two, as well. So fingers crossed the scar isn't going to drive me nuts.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to get a headache so I'm going to stop writing for now.

[Jersey]

Getting poked and prodded at the hospital is a *****, but my stitches are out? So I suppose that's a positive thing. The cut isn't as nasty as I've thought it would look, either. It's still a little sore, now I just don't have to wear a bandage over it all the time. The swelling is gone, too. My headaches still come and go, which makes my life a little bit miserable occasionally, but they’ve been less and less frequent – how much they hurt, however, hasn’t changed. I was almost afraid that I’d have to stay home from work yesterday because I woke up feeling like I’d been kicked in the head.

After work, as always, I went to go walk Ellie, KC, Jack, Lady and Hunter. Peter put up some black sort of tarp over his windows, but with how strange that man is, it wasn’t something I was going to ask about. Whatever it was for, I’m sure he had a good enough reason (I have noticed that he’s actually pretty pale). Anyway, I took them down to the park and played fetch for a bit, let Hunter attempt to sleep in my lap – poor thing couldn’t quite fit until I actually gave up and sat down on the ground in the snow (my *** was freezing). It’s been nice, getting out during the day and taking care of them.

When I took them home, I gave them all a treat and wrote a note for Peter to let him know I’d been there before going back to my hotel room. So far, I’m doing pretty well when it comes to saving money kind of, although I’m still about $45,000 off from buying my own apartment, but I’ll get there. Eventually. Hopefully sooner than later. I do know I’m not cutting any ammo expenses, a knife won’t exactly do me justice, but either way, I’m protected. Unfortunately, I have found myself having to walk alone at night occasionally and I’m not about to call anyone and be like, “Hey, I’m a chicken and need an escort to my hotel.”

I don’t know Mora well enough, and I don’t think my pride exactly feels like making me look weak in front of the man I like. On another note, I think I’m starting that monthly hell ****. My thoughts have been lingering in the gutter a lot lately and it’s not helping anything. Dirty dreams? Check. I need to go take a cold shower.

---

The dogs were gone. The tarps were still up, and I sent a text to Peter asking what happened because while their cages were still there, they weren’t in them. Then I left a note telling him to call me immediately taped to the door. Ahaha, panic was dreadful. I’m pretty sure I about had a heart attack thinking some hippy set them all free while he was at work. He didn’t reply, likely busy with work, right away. Later on, he apologized and said that he’d taken them to the vet. Thanks for the scare, Peter. I am glad my logical side kind of guessed it, admittedly.

Still an *** for almost giving me a heart attack.

I keep replaying some of the conversations we’ve had in my head, over and over again as if they were on a loop. Something’s still confuse the hell out of me (what doesn’t some days though?) But... eh. I’m probably just overthinking things, letting the city get to me.

Hm. It’s kind of cold tonight, I think I’m going to make a mug of hot chocolate and curl up with a book tonight, I can’t really think of any reason to go out. Today’s scare kind of had me worn out anyway.

[Jersey]

I don’t believe Peter’s human. Or well. He’s human, but he’s not the living-breathing-warm-flesh type of human. He’s... something different. The more he panics, the more he slips and certain things catch my attention. Or, maybe I’ve been reading way too much and need to redirect my attention to the other books I have piled up at the foot of my bed as I’m writing this. I’m confused, I suppose, is the best way for all of it.

Things I have noticed:

• He’s never cold when outside. I don’t care if he’s lived here his entire life, some nights its freezing balls outside and I’ve never once seen him shiver.
• He keeps saying that if I find things out, I’m going to be placed in a situation that could get me hurt and from the way he likes to redirect subjects away from it, I have the feeling that it could be a lot worse than just hurt.
• His skin is cold to the touch. Not particularly a big deal, but it’s just something I’ve noticed that’s never changed. He doesn’t particularly radiate heat like the male co-workers I’ve talked with.
• Not that it’s particularly relevant, (maybe he’s just in really good shape?) but he carried me quite a while today and didn’t seem bothered at it.
• Peter casts no shadow. – This one, however, is what has tipped me off the most.

But... regardless of what he is, what’s weird about him... I’m not afraid. I don’t sense anything malicious from him, if he’s going to hurt me and oddly enough, I still stand firm about the concept that he won’t. I don’t think he’d be so protective of me if he had any consideration about it in his head, he wouldn’t fret about me wearing his jacket when it’s really cold out. He wouldn’t apologize, and while I can tell he can probably hold his own – he looked rather nice shirtless build wise, he doesn’t seem to be the type to enjoy fighting.

I know he’s not an Alien? He’s told me as much that was a really strange, funny conversation.

Whatever he is, I don’t think I really care. I like Peter, a lot.

And he likes me, too.