Not Insane [Velveteen]

[Jesse Fforde]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse Fforde> The nightmare is no longer a nightmare. It doesn’t matter that ever since taking a dive from the third tier of the Eyrie, I’ve foresworn ever sleeping again. It doesn’t matter that the nightmare doesn’t have me sleepwalking anymore—because the nightmare is now following me around. Every single time that little creep sneaks up on me, it’s like looking into a mirror from my past. Every single time I see that face I remember everything. I remember all of it. It’s like being doused with acid, innards curling and burning with… what?

He tries to convince me that I can talk. That he doesn’t blame me. But I can’t be convinced that I’m not going a little bit insane. I try to keep him away, I try not to acknowledge him. And besides which, if he’s real? He wasn’t there afterwards, was he?

But it’s getting to be a bit too much. If I am going insane, it’s only going to get worse. And I don’t particularly feel like being insane. That’s not something I want people to see me as. I need to talk to someone about it. I need to at least open up to one person, just so that they can reassure me that I’m perfectly fine, or maybe help me to regain some sane footing. I cringe, inwardly, at the idea of asking for help. And I know that I won’t. But I will request an audience anyway.

I tome back into the Eyrie after an hour or so out in the city. I’d been out to feed. Of course, I’m still thirsty—always am—but I’m at least sated, in a small way. As I land upon safe ground, I retrieve my phone. I text Velveteen:

”I need to see you. Are you free?”

[Attire: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iMsG...1_n.jpg ]

* Velveteen had just got back from the raid, disappointed and exhausted. How can there be so many bloody sorcerers and not one of them have a key to the next floor. She grumbled to herself as she kicked off her boots and removed her coat, tossing it lazily over a nearby chair after having retrieved her phone from the pocket. It had been set to silent whilst in the raid and if it wasn't for the obnoxious vibrating insisting she check it now she may have missed the text all together until much later. It sounded important and before she did anything else she replied. "Of course. I'm on fourth. Come on up."


<Jesse Fforde> For a second after recieving Velveteen's text, I consider changing my mind. I consider texting back and telling her to 'never mind'. I linger longer than needed on the second floor, risking retaliation by those armed with paint guns and water balloon launchers. With a sigh, I finally enter the elevator. I don't think I've been to the fourth floor. As soon as I step out the doors I am confronted by a mob of zombies and summoned beasts. I perk a brow, lingering a few seconds before before climbing the stairs, gaze sweeping the room in order to find Velveteen. My hands are shoved into my pockets. I nod my greeting.


* Velveteen lifted her head as she heard the telltale whisper of the metal slifing door and she offered the male a smile and waved him closer pointing to a chair across the table from her as she flopped into one herself. She gave a slight tilt of her head as she did a quiet appraisal making sure he was not wounded or was experience any other such afflictions by another's hand before she nodded. A satisfied nod that atleast physically he was fine. "Hey Jesse. Your text sounded kinda urgent, is everything ok?"


<Jesse Fforde> I take the offered seat. It's not particularly urgent. I'm not on death's door or anything. But I have no idea how to start. Unbreathing, still, I fold my hands on the table in front of me. I bow my head, staring at the worls of wood, before finally sighing and retrieving the pen and paper from the inner jacket pocket. I write, slowly:

"I think I might be going insane."


* Velveteen watched him curiously though waited quietly, wondering what seemed to be weighing so heavily on those shoulders of his. She leaned forward to watch as he write and couldn't help the crooked grin that caught at one side of her mouth. "I think we are all a bit insane Jesse. Though I think considering we are dead...but not, it is acceptable." She paused for a moment before crossing her arms over each other on the table. "So what makes you think you are possibly crazier than me?"


<Jesse Fforde> Velveteen's humour at least allows me to relax a little bit. I give a smirk, and nod my acknowledgement. Yeah, alright, we are all a bit insane, but that's by choice, rather than by something actually physically broken. I think I could actually be mentally broken, and not quite sure how to fix it. In order to make Velveteen understand, I need to tell he the whole story. The things that I can now remember, that I could not remember before. I bow over the pad and write:

"I had a twin brother. Jordan. We were 8 - we lived in an apartment complex. We were making a fort on the roof. Our Uncle came up, he was drunk. We were defiant. My Uncle tried to beat Jordan. There was a scuffle. Jordon got thrown over the edge. He died. It was because of me, because I bit Uncle Tommy's shoulder - he lost his grip. It's since then that I haven't talked. Because of that."

There's still more to come, but I pause, allowing Velveteen to read before I continue. I've never told anyone this before. Velveteen is the first, maybe the only. I watch her carefully as she reads.


* Velveteen 's brow furrowed as she read and shook her head though she remained quiet for now. There was obviously more to come so she figured it best to let the guy purge and let her know what help he was needing before talking out of turn. But it was obvious in that moment that her heart went out to him, those few words there on a paper telling the story of an entire life.


<Jesse Fforde> I nod, as soon as it's certain that she has finished reading. I keep writing: "You know how I took a dive from the Eyrie? It's because I kept having nightmares. They started as only irritants, but slowly got worse. Had me sleepwalking. Like something from the past was trying to force me to remember. And now I do." I roll my shoulders. I think about Jordan. In a way, I call to him. There's a movement out of the corner of my eye. My jaw tightens, clenches. I write, the words a little heavier, a little more angry: "Can you see him?"

[Jordan: https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akam...0_n.jpg ]

* Velveteen reads once more nodding as she does, some things finally making so much more sense. She notices the shadowy figure appear but before she can even appraise to see who it belongs to her gaze is drawn back to the paper. She nodded though confusion was evident on her features. "Of course I can see him. That is why you think you are going crazy?"


<Jesse Fforde> I visibly relax. Jordan moves forward, his face devoid of expression, though his eyes are wide and expectant. I shake my head at him, and then proceed to ignore him. I nod at Velveteen. I write: "Make it sound so normal, why don't you? I'm being haunted by my own ******* dead brother. He's the cause of the nightmares. Of my throwing myself off the Eyrie to nearly die so that he could hitch a ride back with me. Yeah - I thought I was going insane."


* Velveteen smiled and shook her head, her soft laugh soon filling the room. "He isn't haunting you Jesse. He is a wraith. Your wraith. YOU summoned him. That is why he is here." She leaned closer, her smile still present though her eyes now held something more serious. "I don't think he was the cause of your nightmares....more a ...result of them."


<Jesse Fforde> I sit back. The pen taps against the hard wood. I think about it. I think about the implications. I shake my head. I write: "I don't want to remember. And he's a constant reminder." But to think, if I'm not insane, if he's not a figment of my imagination...I glance sideways at him. Jordan remains silent, though I know he knows what I'm thinking. He knows I'm considering his suggestions, quiet as they may be. He smirks--an echo of the smirk I often throw. I write: "So you think it's all me, then? That subconsciously I'm forcing this **** on myself?"


*Velveteen watched the silent exchange and shakes her head. "Not at all. It's obviously something you have kept supressed for the longest time. It's a painful memory and not only that. You blame yourself. These things have a way of finding us eventually, Jesse, no matter how hard we might resist." She paused a moment, her gaze flickering over the small figure. "Has he said anything to you, told you or showed you anything at all? You walk the path of the necromancer Jesse, our roots, for lack of a better words seem firmly planted within death and as ones powers develop its like walking between two different word at the same time....kinda. Until you were turned you were able to effectively shut yourself off to it but now....you are a part of it." She furrowed her brows a little. What they were still escaped her when it came to definition. "Does that make sense?"


<Jesse Fforde> I nod, slowly. It makes sense, in a way, but I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my current situation. I write: "He's trying to convince me to find Uncle Tommy and kill him." I write. That's the gist of it. Like the wraith has realised that something else is amiss. That it isn't just because I blame myself--there's something else chaining my vocals to silence. The wraith is a schemer. And though he's too far away to read what I've written, he still grins. Creepy ******.


* Velveteen 's brow rose curiously. "Ok...maybe you shouldn't say that too many cause that does sound kinda crazy. All the serial killers say that." She grinned a little realising that perhaps this was not the time. "How do you feel about that. I imagine it is probably something you have wanted to do since you were eight. Why does he want you to do it?"

[Velveteen]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse Fforde> I raise my eyes to Velveteen. I lick my lips. Yeah, I do sound kind of crazy now, don't I? I slowly shrug. I figure that Jordan and I are connected; not just because he's a wraith that I have inadvertently summoned, but because he is my twin brother. He knows what's going on inside my head, and he doesn't have to speak for me to know what's going on inside of his. "He thinks I'm afraid of him. That if I kill him" I shake my head, shrug again.


* Velveteen frowned a little becoming slightly confused. "Afraid of your uncle? I mean I am guessing that the man is still alive, Jordan would know this. Are you afraid of him Jesse and if you kill him then what?" She shrugged a little and pressed her lips together thoughtfully for a moment. "Though if ever you were gonna kill anyone, now is a good time. Not like prison is much of a worry, and as long as you don't get yourself killed you should be good. I am going to guess he is not in Harper Rock right?"


<Jesse Fforde> I roll my shoulders and sit back. I don't know if the guy is still in Harper Rock. I haven't seen him since... well, since I left home. I know there's no reason why I should be afraid of a human man. I know that by now he'll be frail, and with my extra strength, with my power, he will become roadkill in minutes. Now that I have assured myself that I am not insane, I wonder why the hell not. I don't know what was holding me back. I avoid answering the question, and instead ask one of my own: "You think I should, then? Follow the whims of a wraith?" At this, even Jordan turns his full attention on Velveteen, the kid staring at her expectantly.


‹Velveteen› "Any random wraith no....I wouldn't but he isn't just any random wraith is he, Jesse? He is your brother. Is killing your uncle seriously not something you have ever thought of doing?"


<Jesse Fforde> I shrug. I write: "I didn't remember everything until recently. I knew he was an asshole. I didn't know he'd killed Jordan. I blocked that night from my memory. So no. I didn't think about killing him, until now."


* Velveteen nodded feeling a little embarrassed. That made perfect sense and would explain his hesitance now. It would be a lot to process. "Why does Jordon want him dead?" She turned her attention to the childe wraith. "Does he talk or is he mute as well?"


<Jesse Fforde> Jordan turns his expectant gaze toward me. I roll my eyes and give a nod. The kid takes another step forward. "He told me to shutup. I was just doing as I was told," the wraith says. Happy to now actually be a part of the conversation, Jordan plays the middle man. "I want him dead because Uncle Tommy killed me. He's a piece of **** who deserves to die. Also, he threatened Jesse," at this, I clench my jaw again. I glare at the kid, but allow him to continue. I cross my arms over my chest, and remind myself that I trust Velveteen. She's learning all my weaknesses. I feel ashamed of them, but may as well get it all out in the open now. "Told him he'd kill anyone if Jesse so much as said a word. And Jesse hasn't said a word since," Jordan explains. "Don't you, Miss Velveteen, think maybe, if he were to kill Uncle Tommy, he might be able to speak a word again?"


*Velveteen blinked, caught a little off guard having expected to hear an year old but instead got something entirely different. It really wasn't surprising. She had her own experiences with Stephen who she rightly had no clue how old he was, his personality? Changing to suit any given situation. The dark haired vampire's gaze shifted between the pair and she couldn't help but notice the slight discomfort Jesse was displaying but he had no need to worry...not with her. She hummed softly and nodded at Jordon's final question. Again so much more light being shed on the situation. She turned her questioning eyes on Jesse and nodded. "Maybe. What have you got to lose except a piece of **** uncle and years of unwanted baggage?"


<Jesse Fforde> I keep my arms crossed, but relax a little bit. I let the idea percolate. She's right, of course, and I have to smile. I smile because it sounds so reasonable, as if we're talking about quitting a job or moving house. Instead, we're talking about killing someone, and it sounds so reasonable. Yes, we are all a little insane, and I like it. I should feel as if the two of them are ganging up on me, but they're not. I trust Velveteen, and Jordan is my brother. He's not telling me he told me so. He just has that excited murderous gleam in his eyes - the kind of gleam no eight year old should have. I just nod.


‹Velveteen› "And ****...anybody who can do that deserves a little retribution." She leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table once more. "Make him suffer I say...." She wrinkled her nose a little, it was probably not something should have been saying but when she thought about how Jesse had suffered, how different things may have been for him had his uncle been a decent a human being and the life that was taken far too early, her sense of righteousness blossomed.


<Jesse Fforde> I nod again as I grin at Velveteen. Jordan grins at her, too. No doubt the creepy **** is happy because he's allowed to speak again. But I know that he's happy for a whole bunch of other reasons, too. I lean forward to write, though I'm now so full of nervous energy it's hard to keep the pen on the page: "I need to find him, first."


* Velveteen read and nodded. "Shouldn't be too difficult. Do either of you remember where he was last, to give a starting point. I don't think hacking a few databases here and there will be too hard, he is bound to show up somewhere."


<Jesse Fforde> I turn to Jordan, now, as if he is a real and fleshy confidante. I am questioning him, just as he is questioning me. I nod. He turns to Velveteen. "We lived in an apartment building in Westwall. They're now abandoned. I looked. Burned down or something. Uncle Tommy lived with our mother, after Dad died," he says. He turned back to me, and I shake my head. "He kicked Mum out. She's living with some other crack addict, now. Don't know where Uncle Tommy went."


* Velveteen 's silver orbs widened. She had expected the search to have started much further than that. "So he could still be local? That would certainly make things a lot easier. Do either of you know his last name?"


<Jesse Fforde> I stare at Velveteen for a second. I wait for her to connect the dots. I write, simply, on the pad: "Fforde."


‹Velveteen› "Well...that was unexpected." She tilted her head, her eyes not leaving the piece of paper. "It made sense she guessed but still she was surprised that Jesse would still carry the guys name. Maybe it was his way of making sure he never forgot even if he couldn't remeber. She brought her silver gaze back up once more and looked directly at Jesse. "I can start looking whenever you like. You just say the word."


<Jesse Fforde> I tilt my head to the side, too, watching Velveteen carefully. I do wonder what she is thinking, and might pry, had I the ability. She doesn't elaborate on why she found it unexpected. I nod, the corner of my mouth twisting into a teasing grin. "I won't say it. I can write it. I don't know which word you want, but go for it." he writes. And then: "Why unexpected?"


‹Velveteen› "Smart ***." She smirked after having read his reply. "But ok I will see what I can find. And....well.....Wait...he was your real uncle? I just assumed it was one of those things that people did with random people they wanted their kids to trust. He was your dad's brother?"


<Jesse Fforde> I nod. Jordan pipes up. "Yes. Dad died. He swooped in and took advantage of our mother, in her grief. He's not some random guy. He's family, as much as we'd prefer he weren't."


* Velveteen nodded thoughtfully. "That..is...I don't even know but its about time Uncle Tommy paid the piper."


<Jesse Fforde> I nod in agreement. Jordan grins. "Oh I like you, Miss Velveteen. Maybe I should have come to you, rather than having to deal with this oaf on my own. If I knew it would be so easy to convince him..." he starts. I only grin at my brother to reassure him until I can reach over... and I do reach over. As soon as my fingers touch his ghostly essence, he disappears. He tries to say something as he does, but then he's gone. I relax again.


* Velveteen smirks and watches the wraith disappear before turning her gaze on Jesse. "Feel a little better. If you are insane...trust me you are not alone and I will helkp where I can. I.....am glad you came to me Jesse. I will find him."


<Jesse Fforde> I feel much better, knowing that the wraith is not a figment of my imagination. I feel better, knowing that I now have a plan. Maybe, the nightmares will go away. Maybe, an unseen, mostly unfelt weight will be lifted from my shoulders. I like having a plan. It gives me momentum. I write: "Thank you." I pause. I watch Velveteen carefully. I then add, because it only feels right: "You are more of a sire to me than Phoenix ever was. It's why I came to you, and no one else."


* Velveteen smiled though something shifted in her eyes, something that was so subtle one would have to wonder if they even seen it at all. She had been going through some stuff herself, unable to be the sire it seemed that those she turned needed. She shook it off and read over the not once more not even ure how she should respond. "We will get you through this. You don't have to go through it alone anymore. Besides...if we can get you talking and save some trees..that will be a good thing right?" She smirked hiding whatever was going on only a moment ago.


<Jesse Fforde> I watch her closely. I can see a flinch, a turning of cogs behind Velveteen's eyes. As soon as it happens, though, it's gone. And I don't press the matter. I grin, happy for the humour to mask the 'moment'. I don't open myself up to others often, and it's got me feeling uncomfortably vulnerable. I stand, tucking the pen and paper back into my pocket. I pass around behind Velveteen, ruffling her hair as I go. Can't help myself.