Wicked Web

[Aysel]

I figured it would be best to keep a journal separate from my research notes. To write things specific to the new life I've been making in Harper Rock. Yes that's right, I've returned to Harper Rock. It was nice to visit home, to see my family. They've done so well. Much better than when we first left Turkey. And I talk to them weekly, I have to or they get all paranoid.

Things here are as they always were, strange and unusual. I recconected with 'Lea and it's been nice. We both work at the Necropolis and often times hang out after work at my place or hers. It's nice to have some one to talk to. Some one who knows the things I know. Some one who gets the weirdness and isn't freaked out by it. There was another human, Vladimir. We'd only spoken twice but I liked him. We were supposed to go dancing. I even bought a ridiculous gown and shoes. But like so many people around here he disappeared and I haven't heard or seen him since.

Then there's Soren. He's a hard one to figure out. He runs hot and cold, a lot like women do. He's a puzzle to be sure. He's said and shown me things, things I'm almost inclined to believe. Almost. And yet, the things he's shown can easily be accomplished by creative lighting and cosmetic dentistry. I don't know... I don't know what to think. It's just one thing after another but in this city, the only thing to do is roll with it.

And then there is Sammael. He's... different. He's one of them. But he's new. I can tell. He works at the Necro with me and 'Lea and he comes in to see me most nights I'm there. I like him. I enjoy talking with him. But there's something there, something I can't put my finger on. It's almost like he's hiding something from me. The other night we went for a run together and I swear I caught a whiff of Vladimir's aftershave coming off Sammael. Could just be a common scent, could be something else. Only time will tell and right now I have to get ready for work.

[Aysel]

It's been a while since I've written. Not because I've been terribly busy or distracted, but because there hasn't really been much to write about. It happened again though, eventually I'll detail it in my notes. I'm still trying to get over the shock. I have it on tape, so it's not like I'll forget any details.

Found a dead body last night. This chick, Ava, she was responding to what seemed to be a scavenger hunt. The clues and the way they were written just struck me as wrong though, so I, foolishly, went along. Little did I know there'd be a body there. Or that she'd accuse me of being not only the murder but a terrorist as well. That was eye opening. I've encountered a lot of things in my travels, but never have I experienced something so bluntly rude as that. Maybe I should put on my abaya and veil and stalk her, just to scare her. Luckily for her I can't stand wearing that thing and I don't have time to torment some rude American. I'm gonna tell Doc about it though. The body I mean. There was tape over the mouth and I found toes inside the mouth. Three, at least. I bet there was more. But then some one else showed up and it was this big ole freak out. First time they've seen a dead body I suppose.

I think that body is why I had the dream again. The one about Ibrahim. It started the same, sitting in a tent, the sun a muffled glow through the canvas. The desert was hot, stifling hot and the white canvas walls didn't offer much relief or protection from the heat. We sat across from each other at a folding table, reviewing our notes.

Then it was like something came over him, I watched in horror as he stood and picked up a knife. His eyes were empty, there was nothing in those brown depths. No warmth, no personality, nothing. I watched as he drew the sharp blade across his stomach, spilling his blood and intestines. There was no pain on his face, he did it over and over again until he collapsed.

But that is where things changed. In reality I had jumped up and tried to hold his stomach together. In reality I had tried to save him. But in my dream I just sat there and watched. I don't understand it. I don't understand why the dream me just sat there. I can't explain it.

I woke up sweating and I could smell the blood in the air, feel it on my arms, covering me to my elbows. I don't know how long I spent in the shower trying to scrub away the memory, the horror. I thought the dream had gone, but it's back and I don't know why.

Maybe Doc is right. Maybe I should closet myself away and avoid every one... it's probably safer for them if I do.

[Aysel]

Well well well, look what I found under the couch. I wondered where you had gone off to little book of mine. I suppose I should keep better track of you. So many things have happened to me since I have last written.

Lets see... firstly I was attacked outside the Necro while I was waiting for Doc. Some guy with a pipe. I am positive it was arranged by Uncle. Doc came to visit me in the hospital. He is very curious about what is going on and is trying to help me figure things out. So far no luck.

Then I ran in to Malachai and Micah again. I have missed those two. They have such different perspectives on life. I enjoy talking to them both. But this time when I was talking to Micah I wanted to become one of them. You know what I mean. That is when he introduced me to Every. She and I seemed to hit it off right away.

I did ask her for time though, before it happened. Before I took that final step, and she gave it to me. But then Uncle came again and that was it. I snapped and I asked her to do it right away. He had arranged a marriage and he gave me a black eye. So that was it, I had her to it.

It is not terrible and life and things are going well. But shortly after it happened, a ghost from the past came to haunt me. More like terrify me. His name is Zakar El-Sayed. He found where I worked and he threatened to take me back to Saudi Arabia to face justice for the murder of his brother, Ibrahim. I was so terrified I called Micah for help. He said he would handle it and low and behold, Zakar is one of us now.

We had a rocky start to becoming friends. One that got even worse when we found out that the arranged marriage was between us. Two people who could not stand each other. We could barely be in the same room with out fighting. I knew we would have to talk about Ibrahim and we eventually did. Once I explained how he died, things seemed to get better between us. We even agreed to fake our marriage so that our families would leave us alone. That worked for my family but not his.

Then... well then we became more than friends. We started dating, we even fell in love. Then something happened, something I still don't understand, not even to this day, not even since he never actually left. We spent an amazing night together, a night where he confessed that he some times wished we were really married. But only some times. After that... well when I woke up the next morning he was gone. Left me a note. It was all very messy and we've talked and spent time together since then. I still love him, but I am not sure what we are to each other any more. It is all very confusing.

Then there is Adrian. We just met a couple days ago. But he makes me smile and I find I enjoy speaking with him very much. Twice now we have met at the Station Net Cafe and had coffee and talked. We even held hands and shared a kiss. I look forward to seeing him again, hopefully tonight.

Oh! I also bought my own apartment! I do not stay there though. I stay at Eve's and Zakar stays at the apartment. I gave Adrian some keys as well because he had no place to stay and I felt really bad for him. It is dangerous times. To dangerous to be sleeping outside. For now though, I think I shall find a place to hide you and get my evening routine done.

[Aysel]

Hello book. I need to not hide you so well. I keep forgetting where I put you.

I do not have much time tonight, lots yet to do. I just wanted to say: He makes me cry. A lot. More often than not I end up in tears. I do not know why I keep trying, but I do.

Seems I am the fool every one calls me.

[Aysel]

I made it. I am a full member of Tytonidae. It was painful, to say the least. I am staying in the Eyrie while I recover. Micah and Velveteen have been so kind and helpful. I am glad to be part of something. Something that helps hide who we are.

Jonah is still on the bridge, his time isn't up yet, but I think he will make it in. We've been spending a lot of time together, Jonah and I. I've noticed his changes, he is more confident now. He walks taller and he doesn't hide who he is. I like it. It's nice to see him, not stare in to some dark void because his face is covered by a hood. And he's learning quite quickly that I am not a morning person by any means. I need my coffee to function normally.

Then there is the infamous him. I haven't tried speaking to him since our last encounter and I am really not sure if I want to. He seems so angry and untrusting. I do not know why and it really is not my place to ask. If he wants to share with me he will. For now I simply leave him alone, mostly. I do use my powers to inspire him, maybe it will help, maybe it won't. I have not heard a thank you from him, but then again I do not expect one. I think I need to work more on my reserves of energy so I can randomly inspire more people. To many and I get worn out. But it is worth it for the good of those I help.

[Aysel]

Here I am again... I think I am going stir crazy sitting inside. I have yet to leave the Eyrie. I don't really want to go out until my wounds are fully healed. Which is driving me mad and giving me far to much time to think about things. Specific things. Two specific things. Actually not things. People. Two specific people who are close to my heart and now they are gone.

Amaranthia, she is gone. I don't know the details, I just know she is gone and something in me tells me she isn't coming back. I saw her obituary on the Crownet and it felt as if a knife was driven in to my heart. She was more than an employer to me. She was a friend, she protected me as a human, guided me as a vampire. Now I feel the lack of her presence as a tangible thing. I've gone back to the club for a few nights since I found out. But it is not the same and I cannot go back. I can feel the difference. Perhaps the patrons can't but I can. There is this void, an empty feeling. It used to be that I could feel her in the building. There was always a certain vibrancy to the club when Amaranthia was about. Now it seems dull and lifeless. I wish I could give her two weeks notice, but I have no way to speak to the dead so I cannot. All I know is that I cannot go back there and I only hope Amaranthia will forgive me for leaving her employ.

The hardest loss of all would come later. And I cannot accept it. I refuse to, but I know it's true.

Zakar is gone. He's returned to Saudi Arabia to take care of his father. I adore his parents, especially Fatima, his mother. I cannot imagine the pain and worry they are experiencing. And it is good for Zakar to be there by his father's side. At least that is what I try to tell myself. It is hard to believe it though. My selfish side wants to demand his return. Or go to Saudi to be with him. I do not know what compels me. Well no, that is a lie, I know what compels me. I love him. I always have and I always will. With out him here, with out hearing his voice or seeing his smile, I feel empty, hollow and alone. Yes I have my family and Tytonidae and Jonah. But... it seems like distractions. Something to keep my mind busy while I try not to think of the man I miss so much it hurts.

I feel so lost and I do not know what to do. I know Every would probably say I feel so strongly because I am a young allurist who has not gotten her emotions in control. Maybe that is true, maybe it is not. But I do not feel like I can talk to her. Or to any one.

I miss him and I want him to come back.

[Aysel]

Two weeks. Such a short time for the entirety of my life to turn upside down. It is my own fault, my own doing and I cannot change the things that have happened, the words that were said, nor the pain I caused. The only thing I can do is move on. Move forward and do not look back. There is no review mirror on life and I cannot pretend there is or that I can change what has happened. All I can do is learn and grow from it. To not repeat the same mistakes that I have made. To accept my failings and strive to be better.

I did go to Saudi Arabia for a week. Zakar and Fatima asked me to attend His Excellency Aarif El-Sayed's funeral. Now Zakar Aarif El-Sayed is the Sarif and controls all of his fathers business dealings in Saudi and across the globe. Here in Canada I help him as I can and run things while he is away, but I do not have the business acumen like he does. He was raised in Oil and Power and I was not, but I try. We are contractually married under Saudi Arabian law and it is my job to do the best I can. He did say he would return but I did not know when, so I am sure you can imagine my surprise when I saw him at the Andras fight night. We talked and joked. We even sparred and it was nice. I felt very relaxed. Shame the feeling was only temporary.

I left early as I was not feeling terribly social and I still am not feeling like much company, though I will not turn away most who would come to my door. Of course since I am not staying in the Eyrie right now, I highly doubt any one will come to my door. Only Micah knows where I am and he has sworn to keep it to himself. I do not know how he manages to do so many things at once. I wish I could be as emotionless as he is. I envy his control. Perhaps I could learn such control.

I would ask Amaranthia if it is possible to do. But she is not yet returned from the realms and with each day that passes I begin to loose hope that she ever will. I went to the Necropolis tonight but it was still as empty and barren as it was the day I learned Amaranthia was gone from this world. I wish she would come back, I wish she could give me some words of wisdom, some sort of inspiration to keep going and keep my emotions in check. I am wondering if there was a way to resurrect her, even just for a few moments so that I could talk to her. Ask her every thing that has been on my mind.

I know the thought is blasphemous as she is in Paradise and free of the constraints of this mortal (or immortal?) coil. I almost envy her the freedom she has found. Almost. But by the same token, I have to much to do to before I seek my Paradise.

[Aysel]

Yet again time flies when one stays... occupied. So much has happened that I am not even sure where to begin.

The last fight night, I left alone. It was a mistake as I was betrayed by one close to me and I was taken. Taken from my home, my family and with none the wiser. I found myself in a dingy little cell and would later come to realize I was in Turkey. In my old Village and beneath my Uncle's thumb once more. The perpetrator? My thrall, Asil Khaya.

There was a sham of a trial at which point they removed two of my fingers and my tongue. Better able to live by the seen and not heard dictate I suppose. It is really a good thing vampires heal quickly. After that farce, I was taken back to my Father's home along with my Uncle and three of my brothers.

They are all dead now. I do not wish to get in to detail. I have only told one person how I killed them. Every time I think of it, I see it all over again. I feel the same emotions. The animal like hunger, the lust for the the kill, the adrenaline rush. The joy I felt. Triumph. It still makes me sick to think about. How could one take such joy in destroying five members of ones own family? I am not sure and I do not think I will ever understand. Asil has met his end as well. Another story I do not yet wish to discuss.

I have a new thrall now, Fatima El-Sayed. That is right, Zakars mother. Micah laid it out in black and white. Something had to be done. And for the love I hold for Zakar and Fatima, I offered to enthrall her. I had to do something, I did not want to see her hurt by thinking she had lost her only living son. Nor did I want him hurt by her death. So I did the only thing I could think of. I told Micah I would enthrall her. He gave me 24 hours to do it and I managed by the skin of my teeth. I think Zakar is still angry with me. Perhaps one day he will see the wisdom of what I did. For now I have given Fatima a cozy home and she has access to the El-Sayed accounts so she will be well taken care of and able to live in a manner she is accustomed to. This makes me happy. Now if only Zakar will forgive what my moment of desperation lead me to offer.

It seems harder and harder control my emotions. I speak out when I should not, I get angry over little things. Some times it is as if I am a passenger to the roller coaster that is my feelings. I took North Star's advice and I contacted another Allurist. Her name is Dulce and she is unlike any allurist I have met before (of course I only have Amaranthia to judge). She is relatively emotionless and she thinks a big part of that is the fact that she keeps largely to herself. This is something I have been trying to do.

If I do see people it is either one on one or in a tiny group. I am trying to attend hunts and family events but it is hard. I need to find a way to shield myself from my own feelings.

There is a bright light. I reconnected with an old friend. To be honest, I never thought we would speak again. He was always one to vanish, but I thought that after the last time we spoke I would never see him again. It has been months and yet out of the blue he has reappeared. He is very easy to talk with and he looks at things in a way far different than I do. He has a very Western view on the world. Sadly his perfection is marred by the fact that he makes terrible coffee.

I am going to see him tonight after I close the Necropolis. And I am going to make the coffee this time. Real, Turkish coffee. Maybe he will be willing to learn how to do it right.

[Aysel]

Another book. I wonder how many of these I have?

I haven't read through this one. I just turned to the first blank page. I suppose I am not ready to face the demons contained herein.

There is so much I don't know, and the little I have learned about who I was, I don't like.

I lost a lot more than I found while I was away. Perhaps I returned to soon.

[Aysel]

I finally read through this thing. I wonder who this 'Doc' is and what I was seeing him for. Therapy perhaps? From what I have read it would not surprise me. I have no idea who any one else is. It seems old me was not fond of mentioning names. More mystery on top of mystery.

I will say this though, the more I read and hear about who I was, the less I like the woman I used to be.