The Musings of Keara Aithne

[Keara Aithne]

1st November 2013

Written for a few nights I have not. Curious things happened have. Firstly Sara issues feeding seems to have. Fears the creatures she sees in the Quarantine Zone she does. Think perhaps she prepared for this life definitely was not. Know I do not how I her best can help? Think perhaps best idea communication open to keep is. Be there if be there I can. Too much is there to tell. Need wait till she the question finds. Appointment I have with Zodiac made this day. My first lesson on the 4th is.

That slightly problematic is. Date have I with Enver that night. Though know that yet he does not. Arranged today I did with River him to share. Hand him over to me she shall in Gauntlet on the 3rd. Wonder I do how react he shall? Hope that mind does not, as taking him from his sire I am. Odd t was the money to his sire to send, while in the bank with me he stood. Glad am I that asked he did not to whom I money must send.

Something curious also with me last night I did discover. My reflection can I now see. Know I do not what this did prompt. In Necropolis I was when this occurred did. Enver a booth there was running. Saw another side of him there I did. See him with others I rarely do. Though believe I do no longer, that he embarrassed with me to be seen is. Introduced me last night he did to one he knows. That the point not is here. Point is, that while there I was, development happened. Spent several hours today I have before the mirror to stand. Shock it is myself so changed to see. Last when looked into a glass I did, human I was.

Felt Nox since my return I have not, though know I do that over us she still watches. Obvious this is through return of her name, that through another to me came. Ritual last night helped me did. Hope I do that if I to my practices return, that strengthen my connection I can. Lax in my duties I have been. Though feel I do that everything changed for me has. Grown much have I in months that passed have. True to myself perhaps now I can be. Cycle of darkness does begin. Embrace it I shall.

[Keara Aithne]

5th November 2013

Strange time have I of late had. Too much happened has. Know I do not where to begin. The time with Enver that paid for I did, over now is. Means perhaps that does nothing, as saw him already I did on almost nightly basis. Like I do that he here for me is, when need him I do. Caught I did his lady on the camera again today. Helping with Sara she is. Appreciate that greatly I do. Family also great help in this been has. Alanoth and BI especially. Hope upon hope do I that Sara recovers well does. Need check on her again I do once penned these words I have.

Worry I do for sanity’s sake. Saw his face the other night I did. Since then shake that vision I cannot. Think perhaps help it might his features to draw. Wonder I do if scared I am of him to forget. Like I do not the possibility that recall his image one day I might not. Think perhaps best is if all images that important are to paper or canvas I commit. Lost I did all my work of old. Though told once I was that some survived did. In private collections hang they now. Hope, dare I not for those again to see. My family immortalised must be and yet…tis Ven that from my mind I cannot shake. His image that my eye doth hold. Buy supplies tonight I shall, as quite neglected my skills in this have been. Fashions draw I well

Finish here I must as much to be done is. Advice too must I seek. If wish to know I do what dating entails does, need ask I must. Think perhaps the council of two trusted ladies I should take. Think I do, that perhaps know more on this than I they shall.

~#~

Spoke with Maddra I did. Quite worried am I now. Knew I did that all the facts I did not have. Think perhaps Enver me did not want to scare in that. Still…wonder do if this path for me is. Think on that I must.

[Keara Aithne]

6th November 2013

Spoke with BI I did today. Eased my mind a little she did. Though...similar answers gave she as Maddra. Less bitter were her words. Think that perhaps the difference was. While appreciate straight talking I do. Wonder I do if honesty wanted I from that question. Strange that is to write as considered that I had not. Vested interest had I in outcome and yet realised that I did not till now. Perhaps this the reason is that Ven's image I cannot shake. Guilt feel I in my heart. BI correct is. Need I do my head and heart in this to know. Decision I must make before further on this path I walk.

~#~

Further confirmation have I that feelings I have. Told me he did that hunted he may be. That perhaps by association hunted I may be and yet...when asked to see me he did, agreed to meet him still I did. Scared as I am of that accursed realm, wish to see him more I do. Warned my family I have that trouble my way perhaps comes. No more than this can I do. Forsake my friend I will not. Done nothing wrong have I but his companionship keep. Though...ask him I must the reasoning behind this hunt. Vague answer did he to me give. Read on family board I did, that he allied with an anti-secrecy group is. Believe this I do not. How can any of our kind our secret willingly betray? Know they nothing of history? If humans aware of us become, take my chances I shall in another city. Take family with me...if follow me they will. Like this thought I do not. So stop here I shall. These thoughts healthy for me are not. Begin to shake I do with these words to pen.

[Keara Aithne]

9th November 2013

Not much new have I to pen here. Though seems it does that Enver my love of art has discovered, as his gift that does suggest. Wonder I do what of mine he saw? Think perhaps the images of Ven away I should place. Though...busy I just was with yet another to paint. My conscience quiet will not be. Betray my vows I surely cannot if dead my love is. If dead is the one that him did love. Know I do that changed I have. No longer go I by the name he me called. Changed has my mind. My ideals even. While part of me remains does, part gone is. Think more on this out I must. Or…perhaps less. Perhaps think I too much on this? My life continues does. Live in the past I no longer can. Enver solidifies this knowledge for me. Struggled I have myself to better, since returned I did. Concentrated I did on what important was. Learnt I have how to survive. Learn now I must how live I should. Glad I am that know I do what towards we are working.

Summoned Sara home I had to yesterday. Know I do not where to she went but best it is that in our halls stays she does. Healing she is. Glad of that I am. Able to communicate a little was she on family board and yet...addressed the issue of her bounty she is yet too. A little patience in this I must have I feel. Explanation wait can. Best is that healed fully she is before explains she does. Information correct must be. Alanoth too now is injured as wait he could not to avenge her. While proud I am that he so strongly feels for his family, wish I do not all my blood to lose.

~#~

In the arms of someone I found myself today. Like that I did not. No permission had he for that to do. Wonder I do how knows he does not, better than that to do. Thought I did that those that met me have, knew better. Though see him often do I not. Perhaps knew he no better. Though know it now he shall. Chad reminded has been. Why so familiar with me he was, Nox only knows.

[Keara Aithne]

10th November 2013

Enver attacked was last night, though his spirit unbroken is. Believe I do that death but a joke to him is. Like I do not him to see so injured. Prefer I would if so big a target his views did not make him. Though perhaps speak to Maddra of this I should. Or...perhaps to the public boards myself I could look. Though quicker it likely would be with Maddra to speak. And less frustrating.

Light of his situation he does make and a little crazy I do not mind admitting that makes me. His death more than him does effect. Think perhaps death in this time less fear for our kind holds. For me, the fear of it not easily overcome is. Even now when know I return can…That realm not for me is. Hope upon hope I do never there to return.

[Keara Aithne]

11th November 2013

Write this I could not sooner, for too upset was I. Upset I still am but hope I do that through these words to pen that I my emotions can steady. Enver last night into a duel did enter. Honourable idea was. But a fighter he is not. Not that that to me does matter. Outcome unfavourable was, as feared I did it would be. Died at the hands of Every he did. Messaged me she did for me to inform, but knew I already that he dead was, as Robert a wraith to me had sent. Leyna think her name was. Need contact Robert I do. Thank him. No words had I last night for that to say.

Bereft as I am. Helps it does that things between Enver and I clarified were in recent days. Strange it would be his passing to mourn thusly if no more than a friend he was. Three days passed have since we our relationship did otherwise define. And last night learned I did what I him should call. While no value place I in labels, seems it does important the right terminology to know. More for if explain I must what he is to me to others, than to myself. Explained myself I did my feelings to him through song. Contagious by Avril Lavigne. Sent that Friday I did. Yesterday listened he did and responded in kind, even though told him I did that, that unnecessary was. Sent me Love Somebody by Maroon 5 he did. Heard song before I had not but pleasing it was to hear in both melody and lyrics. Download that I should so that I it upon my iPod can set.

Feel I do not like hunting today. Think perhaps solace I shall seek in the darkness. Write more perhaps later I shall. Cathartic this process for me is.

~#~

Do it I could not. Darkness no comfort was for me today. Returned home I did. Thought it best Sara to find. Thought I did that distract myself I could. Tried I did and failed. Success short lived was, for once I Sara did leave, alone again I was. Staying in I am. Think perhaps with my new brushes I shall play.

~#~

Worked that did not either. Concentration poor is. Nothing right can I do today. Sought out Robert for my thank you in person to say. Though now…recall I do not if I that in person said? Still. Conversation helped a little. Nice it was with one to speak that Enver knew and liked. Robert highly of him does speak and nice it was that to hear. Still no real answer have I as to why died he did. But…perhaps there focus wrong is.

Messaged Enver today I have. Several times over. Miss him I do. Sang to him even I did. Though reply he cannot, so know I do not how my messages leave him. Want I do for him to know, that on my mind he is. That think of him I do. Song perhaps not entirely accurate portrayal of my thoughts are, but of emotion is it accurate in its entirety. In case forget I do, sang I This Is What It Feels Like by Armin Van Buuren to him. Hope that mind he did not that I his mind so long invaded. Talk all day to him would I, if thought I did that that him would help. But know that I do not.

~#~

Decision I have made. Need see him I must. Though…scared I am that to do. Like that place I do not. Make mind up I shall tomorrow…when wake I do.

[Keara Aithne]

12th November 2013

Decided I have. While like idea I do not. Worse is it him not to see. Though...see him I shall not, least not as know him I do. Call out to him I must. Then knows he that I there am. Find we can one another with more ease.

Shaking I am already. Know I do that prepared I must be. Great fortitude have I need of. This first trip that intentional shall be. Believe I do that he the same for me would do and...well...selfish reasons are there also. Miss I do his voice. His company. Wonder I do when next raid discovered is, if able I shall be, those nights away from him to stay.

~#~

Back I am. Liked it there I did not. Though...once found me he did. Calmer I became...with time. Liked him so to see I did not. Though...his voice. His voice to me hypnotic is. Concentrate on that forever I could. Wonder I do if that allurist trick is, or if that just the power of his voice is. Freeze I do not for him to mourn like I with Ven do. Wonder if that due is to fact that know I do to me he return shall.

[Keara Aithne]

12th November 2013

Still, know I do not now how best I my time should use? Everything that do I, strained is. Even culling of creatures no joy brings. Paint I did, good portrait of him today. Though...know I do not, what with it I should do. Perhaps to him gift it I can? Maybe? Think on that I shall.

Yesterday said he did, that like he would the time to know. Forget I cannot the passing suns to count for him. Speak more I shall to him in coming days. Since asked he did for me in his mind to stay. Strange is it, no reply to receive. Wonder already I do if in coming days return to realm I shall.

Sleep uneasy is, with Enver gone. No such trouble had I upon first returning, and...slept well in his arms I have been. If in his arms sleeping I have been. Assume as much I do. Think perhaps now the issue is. That he not by me is. Uneasy I am. Wish I do for distraction but leave Asylum I do not wish to. Remain here shall for nights that pass do. Easy for him to find I wish to be.

~#~

Sang to him again I did. Though know I do not if he my musical choices doth like. Song that choose I did this time I'm With You by Avril Lavigne was. Perhaps lyrics entirely accurate in my feelings to portray were not, but close enough they were.

~#~

Stuck with his thrall I am. Know I do not how happened this did. How it knew not what he was, beyond me is. Need speak with Enver when returns he does. Knows he does of situation. Told him have. Try I shall his property not to harm. Though...too talkative it is. Says things that hear I rather would not. Perhaps opportunity have I here another side of my Enver to see...If bear I can her voice and words. Need seek advice perhaps too. Long time since I the company of humans kept. Changed perhaps some things have. Wonder do how often feeds it does? Once a day? Perhaps. know I do that eat some do after sun down has gone. So unlike us, perhaps hey are not. On my bed it can stay till returns he does. Fresh clothes for it perhaps found need be. Maybe make something I can...if concentration I can hold. Want I do not for it complaints to have against me. Know I do not if Enver for this one cares, so...on my best behaviour perhaps I should be.

Hope I do, that returns soon he does. Perhaps offering to Nox in this I should give? Guarantee that return he shall. That good idea is. Try that tomorrow I shall.

[Keara Aithne]

15th November 2013

Know now I do that ill equipped am I for with a thrall to deal with. Understand them so well I do not. Perhaps that good thing is, as know I do not what I with one would do. Maintenance require they do, attention. No time have I for a pet to keep. Thankful am I that Deanna no such things requires does. Self-sufficient is she. Hope upon hope do I, that Enver soon returns does. Handle Hannah much longer I do not think I can. Handle my mind I do not think I can. Like myself right now I do not. Think perhaps him again I should go see. Time away from it have I need of.

[Keara Aithne]

17th November 2013

Enver returned to me has. Missed him greatly I did. But know I did not how much exactly, till before me he was. Overcome with new emotions I became. Known myself before so to be I have not. Strange affect has he upon me but think it I do not unpleasant to be. Missed I did his influence upon me while away he was. By him inspired to be, me calmer makes. Feels it does as if with me he is, even when that not so is. His touch confusing to me though still is. Feel it too long. Too intense. New sensations feel I now and not just from his lips upon mine to feel. Odd sensations. Know I do not what mean they do. Though guess I do, that pleasurable supposed to be they are. Though used to them first I must become. Best perhaps I a label upon them place too. But new they are. Unfamiliar. Know I do not how to label that which I do not know. Like to know I would what my stomach did ail. What doth the stomach queasy make? Know I do that sustenance the reason for my issue was not. That only Enver leaves. And know I do not why he that affect upon me had. Or if that possible is. Wish I do that more experience in this I had.

Hurt Enver seemed when I his kiss to a punishment compared. Wrong I think that may have been of me. But understand he must, that kissed in such a way never have I been before. Glad I am that beat him I did not for what he did. Conflicted I feel for so close to him to be. Part comforted, part terrified that experience me does make. Explain that to him perhaps I must, but hurt him further I do not wish to. Fear not of him is…perhaps. Fear comes from what between us may come. Guild’s words hard to ignore are, even when know them in part wrong now to be. This time different is. Know that. Still…Worry I do. And that not my only fear is. What if like such things I do not? What if likes me he no longer does? What if Maddra right was? Handle that I think I could not. Think I cannot on that. End my thoughts for today here I shall.